Deo Volente

Now listen, you who say "Today or tomorrow we will go to this city, spend a year there, carry on business & make money" why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow! What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say "If it is the Lord's will, we will live & do this or that".  James 4:13-15

Deo Volente or "God willing" might just be my first tattoo.
But probably not. Still working on that whole commitment thing.
Ok seriously though, I am such a fool! *smh*
Thinking that my future is in my control...oh Annie...
It says right there in James that it's even the Lord's will that I live today!
yikes.
Good thing he isn't holding yesterday against me.

I worry like it's my job, hold onto anxiety like it's a soft, cuddly blanket, & I let fear of the future get me in one of those half-nelson holds (thats a thing right?)
And that's no way to live. Trust me.
Whenever my life has been a wreck or my circumstances seem overwhelming, it's because I took myself there.
It's because I told God, "Move over buddy, I can drive this vehicle" (right off a cliff I can drive it).
When life is messy, it's because of me.
When life is beautiful & clear it is because of him.
Therefore, his will > my will.

Which is why I need Deo Volente tattooed somewhere that I will always see it.
Apparently I need to be reminded of this on a daily basis or I start drowning in anxiety.
He's got this! Why would I hold on when he will do it for me? That's absurd!
God willing, I will live a long & happy life.
Doing what, I have no idea. And that's ok.
Today I am thankful he willed me to wake up, eat a bagel, drink some coffee, read his word, & type a funny blog entry.
Hope tomorrow goes just as well.

THE END

Listen

I'm so busy listening to what other people say about me or the things I think about myself, that I have forgotten how to listen for the Lord.

His voice should drown out all others. His words ringing clear. They are life-giving words.

What he says about me is the only truth. 

Christmas: The Best Defense to Satan's Offense

I've made a major life decision.

Growing up, Christmas season didn't begin until the day after Thanksgiving.
It was all I knew. Tradition.
I have been a follower of this reasoning until this year.
Until two days ago actually.
But then, I decided that starting Christmas season before Thanksgiving didn't slight turkey day in the least!
In fact, now, the holiday is included in my most favorite kind of season! Christmas season!

I decided to go ahead & begin listening to Christmas music, to buy some presents, plan a few parties, put up decorations earlier this year all because it is something that brings great joy into my life.
These days it gets dark outside by 6pm (which is super depressing) & I'm not going to find myself in the same dark place (literally & figuratively) as last year.
It's going to be a happy winter for me & I don't know a better way to kick it off than by stirring up a little Christmas spirit!

After all, Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Christ.
Christ who saves me daily from the filthy pit of my own mind.
Who gives me the strength to battle Satan & the deteriorating thoughts he fills my head with every day.
By embracing Christ, his birth, his life, his death, how will I have time to buy into the lies that Satan is forever whispering in my ear?
I won't!

This fight for my peace of mind, for my sanity, for my happiness is really a battle for my life.
In her book "Battlefield of the Mind" Joyce Meyer says this about Satan's war tactics:
     Satan begins by bombarding out minds with cleverly devised patterns of irritation, dissatisfaction, doubts, fears, & reasonings.  He moves slowly & cautiously (after all, well-laid plans take time).  he is never in a hurry to inject unholy, self-centered thoughts into our heads.  If we don't kick them out, they stay.  and Satan can continue his evil destructive plan.

I'm not letting him own my mind anymore.
I'm fighting back.
And my first move is to bring Christmas around early this year.
No one can be full of anxiety or worry while listening to the N*Sync Christmas album!
Plus, Charles Dickens says to keep Christmas in your heart all the year.
Who I am to argue with Dickens?!

Tis so Sweet

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take him at his word
Just to rest upon his promise,
And to know "Thus saith the Lord"!


I'm not the girl with the plan.
Definitely not one of those 5 year plans.
No savings plan.
Not even plans for today yet.
Things happen as life flows along.
And he leads me.
Always leads me.
So while the people with plans scold me & worry for me, I rest in his promise.
He will never leave or forsake me.
He will light my path.
His plan is greater than any I could ever come up with.
So I trust him.
And that is truly so sweet.

Windy Gap-2012

The campaign slogan for Young Life camp is pretty simple.
"THE BEST WEEK OF YOUR LIFE OR YOUR MONEY BACK"
It's what we tell kids, it's what is written on their flyers & on the Facebook page. We tweet it over & over again.
"THE BEST WEEK OF YOUR LIFE"
And no one that I'm aware of has ever asked for their money back!

I went on one of these trips as an upcoming high school senior & my life did change.
Since then, I have been on too many week long & weekend camp trips to count.
But this past weekend, this one trumped them all.
*cue watery eyes*

I have been friends with some girls ever since the first week of their freshman year.
Four years have flown by & I didn't really know if anyone got it.
Maybe a couple, but not completely.
I thought maybe I had been doing something wrong.
That I had been too much of a friend & not enough of a messenger.
Perhaps they hadn't taken me seriously or didn't want anything at all to do with Christ.
Sometimes they seemed so distant that I gave up hope.
But my Lord prevailed.
Boy did he show me.

Hannah, my partner leader, & I prayed so hard for this weekend as it would be our last with these girls.
We knew it would be emotional for them here at the end, but we were not prepared for what happened.
The outpouring of love, the honesty, the open hearts, the questions, the real feelings...the sweet thank yous...
My life is complete.
I walked away from this weekend knowing that I could die happy.

My friends were listening!
They had been listening all along!
They know us a believers & they see the difference & they want Jesus in their lives.

I'm so sorry if it sounds like I am celebrating myself.
I am not in my heart at all.
I am celebrating the fact that Christ is true.
That he has never let me down.
That he has been with me through all the tough things over the last 5  years & that his plan for me really is what is best.
The lives that I thought were unreachable have been completely changed & it is all thanks to him.

Sometimes people that don't understand a lot about Young Life ask me if I am seeing "results".
I hate that question.
We aren't going around polling kids as to what their heart feels like.
There is no ruler on which we measure their growth in Christ.
Often times, no one ever knows what kind of impact that sharing their faith with someone else can have.
But I got to!
And I am so very thankful.

My sweet friends will graduate this year & I am going to be totally lost without them.
They are the best thing that has ever happened to me & I love them all with my whole heart.
Which is NOTHING compared to how much Christ loves them.

The Stars Are Out Tonight

Maybe it's the weather.
I adore fall with it's crisp mornings, the perfect blue sky, & the inevitable smell of dried up leaves.

Maybe it's work.
If you can even call it work! When you love your job as much as I love mine, it doesn't even feel like work.
We're getting ready to go to Windy Gap, one of my favorite places in the world, & the banquet is Tuesday which means I get to wear a new dress & do some fun, classic Young Life-y stuff on stage!

Maybe it's thanks to my friends.
I have got the best friends. Old friends, newer friends, all of them. I hated school work & I hated class, but thank goodness I came to college, because my life will never be the same.
I think I waited my entire life to find people that were as quirky as me, as fun loving as me, & as capable of handling the crazy part of my brain.

Maybe it's the reminder I got this week that the West coast is waiting with open arms to make a Southern belle it's own. (cryptic, I know but I'm leaving it at that)

Maybe it's Jesus.
Who shows me daily that I am his treasure & that he loves me.

It doesn't really matter what it is.
I'm seeing stars.
=)

Prayer Talk

Y'all are going to think that I'm high while I write this because it's kind of out there, but I just thought about something I never have before.

What do prayers look like? What do they sound like? What do they feel like?
(I'm asking God)
I just wonder.
So He hears us all, he listens & comprehends, he sometimes speaks to us too...
Is there a giant switchboard in heaven?
A light for everyone that blinks when we say his name maybe.
Or do angels keep track of them?
I figure that he hears me instantaneously. (duh)
He knows what I am going to pray about before I do.
But is it some kind of energy?
If we could see the supernatural world around us (first of all would be terrifying, angels & demons at battle, no thank you) would we be able to see a prayer?
Would we glow like the people on that old TV show "Touched by an Angel"?
Does a little wisp of smoke float silently towards heaven?

I only thought of this because today is the 11th anniversary of the terrorist attack on the twin towers.
I started thinking about the tragedy & all the people it affected.
It occurred to me that more people probably prayed that day than on a usual day.
People that never pray or rarely pray or don't even believe in praying.
And then I wonder how that makes God feel.
Because he always wants to hear  from us, he wants to talk to us, he loves us & wants to be part of our lives.
So to have people that scorn him or ignore him acknowledge him for the first time...was he glad to hear from them even though it was because of grief?
I think the answer is yes.
I know the answer is yes.

But I just wonder if heaven felt different that day.
If all the prayers from all the people sent this surge of energy flying into the atmosphere.
Even though there was a horrific event on earth, was heaven a buzz because of massive amounts of prayer?
God, all knowing & omnipotent, knew what was going to transpire.
He only had the right proportions of compassion & healing to offer to those that suffered & still suffer.
Was he glad that more people than usual turned to him for help?
It was right of them to do so.

I know this is a weird post.
I get that.
And I don't have answers.
No one alive does (but I'm pretty confident that we can rule out my 'giant switchboard' theory).
Maybe this all sounds silly & childish, but I'm putting it out here anyways.

Today I am praying for all the families who lost their loved ones on 9/11.
Never forget.

free

you will never know what it felt like to be as chained & bound up as I was,

so you will never know what it feels like to be this 

free.

Lighthearted

Sometimes I review my blog & realize that my issues of thinking too much have invaded this space.
So to change things up, here is a lighthearted post about some of the most wonderful things in my life!

YL & WL leaders spending time together at an EAST High football game.  This was during halftime while we were dancing to YMCA! 

My sweet, wonderful friend Kara. Love her so much & truly treasure her friendship!

This is me & Taylor eating some delicious Mexican food before a football game! Love her.

I got to spend an ENTIRE sunday painting pretty things.  I took all my paint stuff out to my front porch, cranked up the Black Keys pandora station, & got lost in my art.

Got to spend this past weekend in the mountains.  This cabin is owned by one of my best friends families & we come here often to escape & catch up.  We threw open the doors & talked & napped as we listened to the rain. PERFECT.

These are my roommates (minus Hannah & plus Katie). Love'um!

The YL sign got a fresh paint job!

I also went on a Young Life staff retreat to SharpTop Cove, the camp in Georgia.  This is my favorite place to sit there.  Just a deck on a hill overlooking most of camp.  This building is the dining hall.

Morning Musings

I must fall in love with Jesus every morning.....

You have put your hand on me for something special. 1Thess1:3

You have rescued me from certain doom. 1Thess1:10

You have put people in my life that I truly care about & that truly care about me. 1Thess1:17&18

I am a daughter of day! 1Thess5:5-8

Justice is on the way ! 2Thess1:5

I was included in His original plan. 2Thess2:13&14

He has given me help & confidence unending! 2Thess2:16&17

Precious Jesus, Lord you are adored

And That's Life

My friend Savannah went to church with me.
Two of the sweet little girls in my Sunday school class hugged me goodbye as they prepare to move to Texas.
We had our first Wyld Life club of the year! It was Olympic themed & it was awesome!
Voluntarily spent the day just hanging out with my mom & dad because I miss them & they love me.
Katie & I got our butts handed to us at Yoga.
Found out Steven is moving to Haiti for a year.
Had a bonfire at the house. Smores included!
Spent quality time with friends, laughing on the front porch.
I witnessed some extreme bullying (in COLLEGE. not the middle school. not the high school).
I got my bridesmaid dress for Hannah Patty's wedding.
A boy I graduated with committed suicide, leaving his wife of 9 mths alone.
I got even more money for Young Life.
Found out another boy I graduated with is battling cancer.
Taylor already signed up for camp at Windy Gap.
Had our first EAST team meeting & dinner at the Dempsey's new house. Best night in awhile!
My Grandmother was admitted to the hospital for chest pains.
Got to spend tons of time with my friend Kara.
Caught up with my good friend Blake.
Told my friend Kellie goodbye as she left for Turkey to visit her boyfriends family.
Got to meet lots of new kids at the middle school & high school.
Turned the air conditioner off & opened all the windows in the house...its almost fall!

And thats life.
Ups & downs.
Good & bad.
Magnificent & horrific.
Beautiful & ugly.
The comprehensible & the misunderstood.
Joyful & depressing.

The only constant is my Savior.
I am so thankful that He holds my future & that He holds me.

Mornings

I like mornings.

Because they are fresh.

Because they are quiet & still.

Because they are clean & bright.

Because there are beautiful songs from the birds.

Because the air is a little chilly.

Because everyone else is still asleep.

Because my day is still a surprise.

Because the sunlight makes the grass sparkle.

Because new flowers have bloomed.

Because my house smells like coffee.

Because I feel God so near.

I like mornings because they remind me how lucky I am to be alive!

Wake Up Call

There's no beating around the bush here! No excuses. Do what is right. The end.

So let God work his will in you. Yell a loud NO to the devil & watch him scamper. Say a quiet yes to God & he'll be there in no time. Quit dabbling in sin. Purify your inner life. Quit playing the field. Hit bottom, cry your eyes out. The fun & games are over. Get serious, really serious. Get down on your knees before the Master; it's the only way you'll get on your feet!

James 4:7-10

Light

Meditation in a Toolshed by CS Lewis

I was standing today in the dark toolshed. the sun was shining outside & through the crack at the top of the door there came a sunbeam. From where I stood that beam of light, with the specks of dust floating in it, was the most striking thing in the place.  Everything else was almost pitch-black. I was seeing the beam, not seeing things by it.

Then I moved, so that the beam fell on my eyes.  Instantly the whole previous picture vanished. I saw no toolshed, & (above all) no beam.  Instead I saw, framed in the irregular cranny at the top of the door, green leaves moving on the branches of a tree outside & beyond that, ninety-odd million miles away, the sun.  Looking along the beam, & looking at the beam are very different experiences.

I'm working on some art work these days all themed around light.

Why?

Because I am so afraid of the dark.

Not in the way one is afraid of the dark as a child & not in the way one is afraid of the dark after watching Paranormal Activity (ew).

It was only this past winter that this fear awakened in me.

Came literally out of no where.

I couldn't be home alone. I couldn't handle the night. I dreaded every day because it was cold & gray.

Something terrible happened inside me & I went about fixing it the absolute worst way.

Instead of running towards the light, I settled in darkness.

I embraced it reluctantly thinking I would eventually find my way out.

Things only got darker. 

Bad decision followed by bad decision led me farther away from the light to a place where anxiety & depression found me.

I didn't know how to shake it.

I felt so stuck.

The light was just a pinhole.

But winter ended & as always, summer came.

And somehow, with summer, the light found its way back to me.

I thawed out. Mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually.

The light was warm & I was me again.

I can't really explain why it all happened.

Had you seen me or interacted with me you probably wouldn't have known I was in one of the darkest times of my life.

I don't know where it came from.

But I do know I am never going back.

I will not stand in the dark toolshed gazing enviously at the light.

I will not be scared of it, I will not tiptoe around it, I will not ignore it or reject it.

I will stand in it completely.

I will let it consume me.

I will stare directly towards its' source & I will forget about the darkness.

Winter will find me this year.

Darkness will not.

The Definition of Me

You, Lord, define who I am.
Not my past, not my present, not my future.
Not my mistakes or accomplishments.
Not the good decisions I have made, not the bad.
The world dos not get to tell me who I am.
No other person defines me.
Not my parents, not my friends, not my peers, no authority, no man, not the media.
I do not even define myself.
And Satan has absolutely no power or say in who I am.
Christ has spoken for me!
He has made me who & what I am:
Beloved
     Redeemed
          Precious
               New
                    Clean
                          Bold
                                Free
Hallelujah! What a Savior!


From now on, everyone is defined by Christ, everyone is included in Christ! -Colossians 3:11

Peace for Despair

When what you've done keeps you from moving on,

When fear wants to make itself home in your heart

Know that forgiveness brings wholeness & healing

God knows your need, just believe what He said

He gives beauty for ashes,

Strength for fear,

Gladness for mourning,

& peace for despair

Don't fret or worry. Instead of worrying, pray! Let petitions & praises shape your worries into prayers, letting God know your concerns. Before you know it, a sense of God's wholeness, everything coming together for good, will come & settle you down. It's wonderful what happens when Christ displaces worry at the center of your life. Summing it up friends, I'd say you'll do best by filling your minds & meditating on things true, noble, reputable, authentic, compelling, gracious - the best, not the worst; the beautiful, not the ugly; things to praise, not things to curse. Put into practice what you learned, what you heard & saw & realized. Do that & God, who makes everything work together, will work you into his most excellent harmonies! Philippians 4:6-9

My chains are gone.

I've been set free,

My God, my Savior, has ransomed me!

& like a flood, his mercy reigns,

Unending love, Amazing grace

Peter urged them over & over again saying, "Get out while you can, get out of this sick & stupid culture!" Acts 2:40

There in the ground His body lay

Light of the World by darkness slain

Then bursting forth in glorious Day

Up from the grave He rose again

And as He stands in victory

Sin's curse has lost its grip on me

For I am His and He is mine

Bought with the precious blood of Christ 

No guilt in life, no fear in death

This is the power of Christ in me

From life's first cry to final breath

Jesus commands my destiny

No power of hell, no scheme of man

Can ever pluck me from His hand

'Til He returns or calls me home 

Here in the power of Christ I'll stand 

Worry rules my life.
Fear & anxiety & guilt & shame & panic consume me.
But I am going to overcome these things.
Not alone, but with Christ.
There is power in the blood!

These are a few of my favorite things...

I'm doing an Oprah inspired post where I talk about my favorite thing!
However, I will not be giving any of them away for free!
But you'll be glad to know that I shop cheap so if you want some of these things, it's not gonna cost you much!


1. Texas Pete Buffalo Wing Sauce.
    Weird huh? But true! I eat this with almost everything. No joke. If I can put hot sauce on it, I will. It's a love hate relationship though. Mostly because I want to pull my tongue out of my head because it stings so bad, but I continue to eat it.  It also makes me break out in a sweat. But I continue to buy it! My favorite way to eat it is with Veggie Straws. Which brings me to my #2...

2. Veggie Straws
    Y'all. Go find some of these.  They are super crunchy, not too salty, & not bad for you!  No preservatives, no transfat, cholesterol free, made wiht real spinach, potato, & tomato. We eat them all the time at my house. They're also fantastic with hummus, if you're into that. (we are!)

3. Hobby Lobby
     This is my happy place.  I don't buy anything here other than canvases very often, but I can spend hours walking the isles getting my creative juices flowing.  My number one reason for loving Hobby Lobby? It's always Christmas there! Even in the middle of summer there are at least 5 or 6 Christmas aisles. Also, they are closed on Sundays. (bet they support Chik-fil-a)

4. Spotify
    Y'all don't use Spotify yet? Pandora is gathering dust in my browser thanks to this new music app.  It's fantastic! You can't download or buy songs through Spotify (at least not that I know of), but you can make playlists, listen to any song you want, for however long you want!  There are some ad's now & again, but nothing too distracting.  It also syncs up with your Facebook account so you can see what music your friends are listening to. I am always logged in & listening!

5. The Olympics.
    This is self explanatory. Or you can read my previous post about it. AMERICA!


6. JCrew Rain flats
    I purchase these just this week! I love rockin my rain boots on a stormy day, but sometimes they overpower an outfit.  Rain flats are much for subtle & easy to slip off & put something else on if it stops raining.  I'm also going to wear them when it isn't raining. Too cute to restrict them! Best part, they were only $20!

7. Friday Night Lights
    As in the TV show, not the movie.  I love how it is filmed, I love the cast, I love the real life feel, I love the story line, I love the football! I grew up with a football coach for a Father & I think this show is pretty realistic.  They don't glam it all up or make everyone look like supermodels, jut real people, living life as best they can.  Not to mention it is SO funny. Great show. All the seasons are on Netflix so look it up!

8. TJMaxx.
   Where would I be without my man TJ? Probably driving a fancier car or jetting off somewhere beautiful on vacation.  Most of my paychecks end up being spent here, but I could spend my money on worse things! It you don't frequent TJMaxx or if the store near you doesn't offer a good variety, I feel sorry for you. It's close to Hobby Lobby so I stop by a lot!


9. Nail Polish
     I am getting better at going into a drug store for one thing & buying just that! It's so easy to just grab a new bottle every time! So tempting, but bad for the checkbook.  Of course Essie is my favorite, but who can afford $8 a bottle?! I usually pick up an Essie bottle & carry it around with me, holding it up to cheaper brands to find a similar color.  Revlon is my go-to, but lately Maybelline's new line called Color Show is impressing me. Get them at Wal-Mart. Much cheaper than Walgreen's. Sorry Walgreen's. I love you.

10.  Dollywood.
    Don't judge it till you try it.  It's not going to be like 6 Flags, or Disney World, or Universal Studios, so don't start comparing. Apples & Oranges people.  You have to appreciate Dollywood for what it is! More of an experience than a park full of insane rides (but the new coaster Wild Eagle, really is something). I just love it because it does a great job of displaying East Tennessee Heritage. And I looooooooove Dolly Parton.  She is confident in who she is & doesn't apologize for it.  She has always inspired me.  The shows are hear-felt & spirited, the atmosphere is homey, & if you're into people watching, well, this is prime time! I'm proud to say that I have a Gold Pass to Dollywood & will probably go 3 times this week. We're going to church there tomorrow morning for the first time. I'll have to let y'all know how that turns out.

That's all for now! Nothing TOO exciting or unpredictable, I know, but something a little light hearted & happy!
To close, I'll include a pic of me today, because putting together outfits is also one of my favorite things! =)

Nothing to Something, Rejected to Accepted

Yup, just movin right on through the New Testament!
Let's talk about Peter.
Jesus' bff.
He wrote these 2 letters to the new believers.
Encouraging letters like Paul's.
Peter was bold. He always said what was on his mind which I guess is why His letters are so short.
He gets straight to the point.

Here are some pieces of Peter's letter that I wrote in my journal.
I'm also including what they mean to me.
Andddd we're off:

As obedient children, let yourselves be pulled into a way of life shaped by God's life, a life energetic & blazing with holiness. God said, "I am holy, you be holy." 1:15-16
     Simple. To the point. I am to be as God. I am to strive to be like him. To be holy.

You call out to God for help & he helps--he's a good father that way.  But don't forget he's also responsible & won't let you get by with sloppy living. 1:17
     Comforting. He is there for me & he won't let me stray too far.

The old life is a grass life, it's beauty as short-lived as wildflowers;  Grass dries up, flowers droop, God's word goes on forever. 1:24
     All these earthly things I put so much stock into really don't matter. So when things don't work out how I want them to or when I feel left out...so what? It isn't what is important.

Drink deep of God's pure kindness.  Then you'll grow up mature & whole in God. 2:3
     Easier said than done right? But if I can keep coming back to this, then maybe I will gradually catch on.

But you are the ones chosen by God, chosen for the high calling of priestly work, chosen to be a holy people, God's instruments to do his work & speak out for him, to tell others of the night-and-day difference he made for you.  From nothing to something, from rejected to accepted.  2:9-10
    Hallelujah! What a difference. Keep working in me. Keep changing me.  I will forever proclaim you!

Friends, this world is not your home, so don't make yourselves cozy in ti.  Don't indulge your ego at the expense of your soul.  2:11
     Don't be an Esau.  Don't trade in eternity for a warm bowl of stew.  Keep the kingdom on your mind.

Now you're named & kept for good by the shepard of your souls. 2:25
     He wants me! He wants me for good! Oh how he loves me...

Be agreeable, be sympathetic, be loving, be compassionate, be humble.  3:8
    Can I get these tattooed on my forehead?

Through thick & thin keep your hearts at attention, in adoration before Christ, your master.  Be ready to speak up & tell anyone who asks why you are living the way you are, & always with the utmost courtesy. 3:14-16 (ish)
     Actions speak louder than words.  Francis Chan once said "People should know you are Christian not by following the rules, but by being overcome with love."

Think of your sufferings as a weaning from that old sinful habit of always expecting to get your own way.  Then you'll be able to live out your days free to pursue what God wants instead of being tyrannized by what you want! 4:1-2
    Please Lord! Put me through suffering! If thats what it takes to rid myself of me, do it. I don't like her. I don't like old me. I want you! I want to pursue a life free of my old self.

Care for God's flock with all the diligence of a shepard.  Not because you have to, but because you want to please GOd.  Not calculating what you can get out of it, but acting spontaneously.  Not bossily telling others what to do, but tenderly showing them the way. 5:2-3
     LOVE. Not hate. LOVE. Red & yellow, black & white, straights & gays, religious & non-religious...Love them as Christ does.

God has had it with the proud, but takes delight in just plain people.  5:5
     Stay under the radar.  It is in solitude that he speaks to us.

Keep a cool head.  Stay alert.  The devil is poised to pounce & would like nothing better than to catch you napping. 5:8
     And I am ashamed to admit that he has.  He knows how to get me & he keeps coming back for more. But I will be ready now. I will not be giving in again.

Impossible is Nothing

In all honesty, my job is hard. 

Sometimes it seems impossible.

Sometimes kids’ lives appear too dark, sometimes I do not feel strong enough, sometimes I do not feel capable, sometimes I feel like Jonah.  

Jonah who wanted to be called to something else, somewhere else, but who eventually obeyed God & saw an entire city change.  

It wasn’t long ago at the bible study I have been attending through my church that a woman said “Sometimes God intentionally calls us to the impossible, to strengthen our faith in Him”.  

I do not believe that even though my situation can often feel impossible, it truly is.   I do believe that this is what Christ has asked of me.

I believe that these kids deserve the chance to experience what Christ’s love, real love, looks like. My  friends are worth it.  

While my life might never look as glamorous or be appear to be as fun as I once dreamed of it being, I know that for now, my place is here, with them. And even though sometimes it might seem like the most impossible task in the world, this is what I have been called to do.

If we allow ourselves to live recklessly for him, then we too will see his glory.  We will see him do the impossible! -Francis Chan

Care for God's flock with all the diligence of a shepard.  Not because you have to, but because you want to please God.  not calculating waht you can get out of it, but acting spontaneously.  Not bossily telling others what to do, but tenderly showing them the way. 1 Peter 5:2-3

When we obey God, he can accomplish the impossible. We will get supernatural results! -Priscilla Shrier

IMPOSSIBLE is NOTHING

Bond Save the Queen!

The Olympics have started!!!!!
I am only slightly excited.
I think there is something just magical about them.
For two weeks, the world feels at peace.
We are all celebrating together! A worldwide party!

Not to mention these people are THE WORLDS GREATEST ATHLETES.
I was brought up in a home where sports mean absolutely everything, so I can begin to grasp the kind of dedication that these athletes possess.
I think they have all earned this time in the spotlight & I am more than happy to celebrate their talent!
I am usually moved to tears multiple times while watching the competitions & my heart is always swelling with American pride.

My friend Holly & I got to see some of the Olympic swimmers while they were training at UT in Knoxville.
It was fantastic! Kind of like being at the real thing, but not quite.
I hope that I really do get to go one day!
If Holly had put up her pictures from that morning I would share them with you, but no can do.

My friends & I are always looking for a good excuse to cook yummy food & throw a good party, so of course we had people over last night for the Opening Ceremonies!
Katie cooked up a delicious casserole of sausage, cream cheese, cheddar cheese, & croissants & I made some dessert pizza.  People ate more of her dish. So much for me trying to provide a healthier option! Leson learned! We had some other snacks too, but everyone was too busy eating what we have now dubbed "Katie's Kasserole".


What an incredible opening ceremony it was! The children's choir sounded magnificent, Kenneth Branagh was a nice surprise, I absolutely died when the James Bond & the Queen 'parachuted' into the arena, Mary Poppins defeated Voldemort, they forged a ring, & Paul Mcartney showed up! It was just...like I said before, Magical!


Our little party was such a good time! We even had a mini "West King Olympics" when we got tired of watching all the teams walk out.
We played some cornhole & Zack taught us how to throw a Javelin. It was kind of embarrassing.
I'll end this post with some shots from last night & a patriotic U-S-A, U-S-A, U-S-A! 

Chantey & I copying a famous photo. (see below)

American Gothic...not as cute as me & Chantey =)

Zack in his sweet shirt, throwing the Javelin!

Serenity, Peace, & Power

We have to acknowledge that our hunger for God comes from him & will not be completely satisfied on earth.  The deepest pleasures of life don't satisfy us, they point us forward. -Larry Crab

Strained by the very mad race of our outer burdens, we are further strained by an inward uneasiness because we have hints that there is a way of life vastly deeper than all this hurried existence. A life of unhurried serenity & peace & power. -Thomas Kelly


This is not my home.
The darkness that dwells here was not put here by my Lord.
He can redeem any situation.
He is present in difficulty.
He loves.

I am reminding myself of these things in the face of senseless tragedy.
For what happened in Colorado makes me afraid.
It drives home the fear that I carry around.
Not a specific fear, but fear in general.
So I am trying to remember these things.
It's what is real & true.

There is a Mighty God.
There is a home for me with him where fear has no place, where sorrow cannot find us, where we will find rest from the burdens of this world.
There is hope for us all!

A Deaf Ear

So I am re-reading Hebrews. Again.
It's just one of those books that says something different to me every time I read it.
The words really penetrate my heart & soul.
Today, I am overwhelmed by chapters 4-6.

This morning, I opened up a journal of mine from a year ago & started reading.
It devastated me.
The prayers written in the first few pages sounded exactly like prayers that I wrote a week ago.
Time has past, circumstances have changed, but I remain the same.
What a let down.
A let down to God & to myself.
How is it that I am STILL struggling with the same sins?
How am I not wiser or better at choosing what is right?
I am so upset with myself.

I have made empty promises. I have tried to do what is right by others. I have given into the need for pleasing others.
I have claimed one lifestyle, but lived another.
And where has it gotten me?
Oh just the same place I was a year ago.
Awesome.

So I opened up the Word to look for some help.
This is what Hebrews told me:

Don't drag your feet! Be like those who stay the course with committed faith & then get everything promised to them. 6:12

We who have run our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands & never let go.  It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God. 6:18&19

But I have been dragging my feet. I have yet to truly grasp hope with both hands or put all my faith in His plan. I have taken things into my own hands.

Lonely? I turn to boys to fill the void.

Seeking fulfillment? I do whatever it takes to please others & earn their affection.

Bored? I panic & frantically search for something, ANYTHING, to pass the time. 

Pressured? I give in so that I am not left out.

And, since I am exactly where I was this time last year, it is obviously getting me nowhere.

But He understands.
He has been here.
He has been tested & tried & tempted.
Hebrews reminds me that "We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness & testing, experienced it all, all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him & get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help." 4:15&16  It also says, "Though he was God's son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do." 5:8
So  I can be comforted.
I can be sure that he relates to me & because he relates to me, he is compassionate & merciful.
He is not waiting on me to mess up so that I can be punished for my mistakes.

The Lord is asking me to change.
To REALLY change.
To be able to look at my life in a year & be so different than the screw-up I am right now.
He begs, "Today, please listen, don't turn a deaf ear" (4:7)
And I am ready to listen.
I am ready to give up what I now see I have been clinging to instead of him.

My mom told me a few weeks ago that sometimes we fill our lives up with stuff, whether good or bad or neutral & that stuff gets in the way of our relationship with him.
Well, all the stuff I have accumulated is beyond smothering me. So it has to go.
I am tired of dragging it around.
I am ready to make good on the promise in 4:2 "If we believe though, we'll experience that state of resting".

I am ready to listen.
Ready to trust, to grasp hope with both hands, & to rest in your promise, O Lord.
I am no longer a girl with deaf ears. 

"We have two alternatives: We can base our self-worth on our success & ability to please others or we can base our self-worth on the love, forgiveness, & acceptance of Christ." -Search for Significance

The Valley-Ellie Holcomb

I don’t want to face this valley
I don’t want to walk alone
You say that you’ll leave to find me
Well I am begging you now to come

Don’t think I can face the morning
The heaviness is on my chest
You say that you’ll lift this burden
Well I am begging you to bring me rest

So come and find me
In the darkest night of my soul
In the shadow of the valley
I am dying for you to make me whole
For you to make me whole

I can’t keep myself from sinkin’
From drowning down in all this shame
My throat is worn out from calling for help
And I am praying you’ll remember my name

I know I can’t fight this battle
Been surrounded on every side
You say that you will deliver me
Well I am praying that you’ll restore my life

Answer me out of the goodness of your love
In your mercy turn to me
I know it’s you that I’ve been running from
But I’m seeing it’s you I need, need
You’re all I need

The Outsiders

{Hebrews 13:10-15}

So I am going to talk about Young Life again (it's my passion ok?!)

I have been reading straight through the New Testament.
One morning a few weeks ago I just picked up my Bible (The Message version) opened it to Thessalonians, & started reading!
It's been really great. I have been making a list everyday of 5 reasons I love Jesus. Sometimes it's more than 5.
I just find 5 things in the scriptures I read that remind me of how awesome my Lord is.
It's an idea I got from Tom Job, whom I love! Check him out here

Anyway, I have made it to Hebrews this week.
I love Hebrews. Especially chapter 11.  I usually dwell in chapter 11, but I moved on to chapter 13 & WOWSERS....some of this stuff hit me like a ton of bricks!
Verses 10-15 is talking about being outsiders. Not being part of the religious restrictions that followers were facing as a new church in those days, but instead embracing Christ's resurrection, preparing for his return, & living differently than everyone else.
Here is what it meant to me:

As Young Life leaders, we are NOT insiders.

What we do is so very foreign to most everyone else.

It just doesn't make much sense.

"You 'hangout' with high school kids? What do you mean?" or "What do you do all day?"

I get asked those questions a lot.

The most annoying one is, "Why do you do Young Life? Those kids just party all the time. They don't go to church!" (a question that pretty much answers itself).

But as Young Life leaders, we are definitely on the outside.

We are not affiliated with any church, we don't have a beautiful establishment, & we don't hang out with the clean-cut kids.

We hang out with the outsiders!

It confuses most people.

We are outside, in the muck & grime of life, we are usually outside of our comfort zone, we are outside the norm of youth ministry, we stand outside the school waiting to talk to kids for even a second, we hangout outside at sporting events, & most people believe we are out of our minds! 

To them I say, "Yes! And i wouldn't want it any other way!"

Hebrews says "So let's go outside, where Jesus is, where the action is -- not trying to be privileged insiders, but taking our share in the abuse of Jesus. This 'insider world' is not our home. Lets take our place outside, with Jesus."

Jesus is on the outside! All the action is on the outside! There is nothing worth having as a privileged insider & the inside world is not our true home.

I guess you can decide for yourself what it looks like in your life to be on the outside.

I think for me it mostly means sticking with Young Life & not worrying about being popular, or giving in to the temptations that make me just like everyone else.

It's something I definitely struggle with.

But Hebrews makes being an outside look so inviting! (so does the picture below)

If Jesus is on the outside, that's where I want to be too.

This band NEEDTOBREATH has a song that talks about embracing the lifestyle of an outsider. It's a great song. Listen to it!

Also, because I read books & watch movies a lot....I couldn't help but think of one of my favorite stories, The Outsiders.  Too bad I don't look as cool as they do! 

Jilly

Everyone has a gross part of them, I guess we just kind of have to accept that and let Christ redeem it. Say "Hello part of me that is me, I anknowlegde your presence, meet my friend Jesus." -Jill Holt

I talk about Young Life on here fairly often. Ok maybe more than fairly.
I have mentioned the ups & downs, some of the great things that have come of it, and def the tough things.
But I have never mentioned Jill.
Young Life gave me Jill.


She is 2 years younger than me & I couldn't tell you the first time we met.
It had to have been at QUEST (new leader) gathering her freshman year, but I don't remember it.
Jill does though. She said I looked scary.
She ended up being placed on my team where, thankfully, I eventually became less scary to her.


Jill is anything but ordinary.
In her room she has the following: a sign that says "what happened at deer camp, never happened."Moose posters. Peyton Manning's Wheatie's box cover proudly on display. A porcelain goose that has outfits for holidays. A jack-a-lope. A hula-hoop. And various other rarities. 
Sometimes, Jill puts on her helmet while she's in the house because it feels nice. Sometimes she puts it on, along with knee pads, elbow pads, shin pads, & gloves, & pogo's down our street. 
Jill eats soggy cereal every morning. Usually standing up.
She won't eat anything after brushing her teeth.
She has a weakness for Bold Party Chex Mix & boys that are slightly nerdy.
Jill is my best friend.


Those qualities I listed above definitely contribute to making Jill who she is & I love all of those things about her.
But it isn't those characteristics, no matter how unique, that set her apart from most people.
It's the way that she cares.
The way that she goes through life with no chip on her shoulder, no bad thoughts about anyone, always assuming the best of people, & forgiveness unending.
Christ asks us to believe with a child like faith, & I think Jill is the only person I know that lives her life that way.


I don't deserve a friend like this. I drag her into my mess.  Into the black hole that is my mind.  I keep her up late at night with the thoughts whirling around in that abyss I call my brain, but she listens & she talks things through with me. 
She tells me I'm ok, no matter how psycho I am acting & is patient with me when I am moody.


Jill doesn't say nearly as much as I do (I talk a lot. I blame my dad).
But that just means that when she mentions something, it is of the utmost importance.
She's at YL camp in Colorado right now, but her job is in the office so we are able to email back & forth every day.
I wouldn't make it 4 weeks without talking to her!
The quote at the opening of this entry was in a recent email I received from her.
Short & to the point!
But isn't it so true?
So with it I say this:


Hi psycho/insecure/popularity seeking/ugly thought having/rebellious part of me! Meet Jesus!
And Jesus, thank you for Jilly!

Jill is far left. My dear, sweet friend Katie is center, & yours truly is on the right. These are our favorite t-shirts. =)

In v. Out

I miss the outdoors when I'm inside.
I miss the sticky air, the way it sits heavy on me & the strength of its stillness.
I miss the noises.  How the quiet can be so loud. Symphony of crickets & birds & cars a few streets over & children giggly somewhere down the street.
I miss the breeze however gentle.
I miss the colors.  The gold of the Sunflowers, the deep pink of the Rambling Roses 'round the mailbox, the peach colored Day Lilies & the periwinkle Bachelor Button's that line the sidewalk & especially the thousand shades of green that come to life in the trees.
I miss the heat. Oh how I miss the heat. How I do miss the sun & the way my blood feels, boiling under my skin.

I hate the fabricated air pumping through the office.
I hate the sounds of keyboards & drawers slamming.
I hate the fan that blows on me on each rotation.
I hate the bowl of candy full of peppermints & butterscotch.
I hate the harsh lighting.
I hate the awkward small talk I have to make with customers.

But thats life I suppose.
Would I love the outdoors so much if I never had to be inside?

answered prayer

i am home alone.
it is night time.
and i am happy.

no fear no anxiety no loneliness.
no panic attacks.

what a change that is from 6 months ago.
praise the Lord.

lately

I have so much to say.
Usually when thoughts fill my head like this it's because I need sleep. And I do, need sleep, but this time I feel as if it's something much bigger lingering inside my mind.
This time, these revolving thoughts will not be absorbed by my pillow.
This time, they must see follow-through.

I have been following the ebb's & flow's of life with little resistance. I don't want to push the envelope, I don't want to get out of my comfort zone, I don't want to find myself in any kind of confrontation or faced with any serious problems.
There are good days & there are bad days.  There is warm laughter & there are cold tears.
Kind of all of a sudden something has changed though.
I can feel it inside of me.

There is an unnerving desire for change, for adventure, for the un-ordinary.
I have become impatient for the next step. I feel as if someone has flipped my on switch. Or that someone higher up has called down to say "be watching, be waiting, be listening, because the plan is coming, it will be told to you sooner than later".
With this situation comes the most bizarre feeling. Something that seems to be anxiety paired with peace.
How can that be you ask?
I have no answers for you.
All I know is that something is getting ready to happen.  That something may just be the rest of my life, but it's coming in hard & fast.

For so long now I have been praying for a disconnect from this world.  And now it is so close I can smell, it. I can taste it.  Soon enough it will be time to grasp it. I am not talking about a literal disconnect, not death.  But a spiritual one.
How I long to care only about Christ & His world.  The one He meant us to dwell in.
How spectacular it must feel to trade in the cares & longings of this world for the peace & understanding of His.

I find myself more content in my hammock on the front porch with only a cup of coffee & the sun warming my shoulders than anywhere else.
I enjoy silently digging into my garden with only the songs of the birds to keep me company.
I want nothing more than to melt away under the hot sun while pouring over pages of beautifully written novels or simply gazing into the greenness that is my backyard.
This earth is fading into the background.
The traffic, the night life, the clubs, the fast pace of the people, all of it is blurring behind me.

Come, Holy Spirit, come. Renew a steadfast spirit in me.
I feel you Lord. And I know you will ask much of me.
What You have started through me, You will see through to the end.
I will wait as patiently as I can & I will trust you.