A Wish to Build a Dream On

 

 

This is my dear friend Savannah.

I have had the blessing of being her friend for the past 4 years &  have gotten to watch her grow up to be a confident, driven,compassionate, loyal, & obviously beautiful young lady.

She's a tiny little person with a heart the size of Texas.

She asked me to shoot some pictures for her graduation announcements & this is what we came up with!

It was a warm, sunny day filled with lots of giggles & some really big bumblebees.



Heartbroken

I used to be tougher than this.
I used to deflect hardships with the greatest of ease.
I used to have walls built up high enough to keep out pain, sympathy, lots of feelings really.
I used to feel nothing because I expected so little of people, because I had been so hurt.

Jesus changed all that.

Sometimes I miss that old girl.
The one who didn't feel much.
Because now, on a daily basis, I get my heart broken.

Like yesterday, in Sunday School, a 4 year old girl asked us to pray that someone gives her a home to live in for good. She has the prettiest blue eyes & the most infectious laugh. She's in foster care right now & she told me how much she misses her mom. That's not fair.

Or last Thursday, on Valentine's Day, I took one of my high school friends to dinner & we talked about life.
About her parents & how she has never felt like they love her. How she had been sent away to live with family, how her dad only calls her when he's drunk & angry, how her mom can't afford to give her the things she needs.  None of that is fair either.

Jesus took my heart of stone & pumped life into it.
He did this so that I was capable of loving others.
I know that now.
He did that for me so that He could love me & that in return I could love His children that have missed out on true love.
If I am loving them, then Christ is loving them.
If Christ is loving them, then their lives will change.

My heart aches on a daily basis now, but I wouldn't want it to be any other way.

Keep risking that your heart's desire is trustworthy...until life becomes what it was meant to be: sheer enjoyment & pure dancing in the spaciousness of love. -Gerald G May

Psalms 131

My heart is not proud, Lord,

my eyes are not haughty;

I do not concern myself with great matters

or things too wonderful for me.

But I have calmed & quieted my myself,

I am like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child I am content.

Israel, put your hope in the Lord 

both now & forevermore.

Dumb Annie:

     Oh I got this. I AM Psalms 131.

     I don't think very highly of myself. 

     I am not trying to deal with 'great matters' or 'things too wonderful to me'. 

     I totally know how to let God handle those things.

     You know, those big decision things.

     I can be totally hands off & let you do that God.

     I'm just gonna remain small & in the shadows.

     Worry about the day to day. Not about war or peace or hunger.

     Nah, you got those.

     Or who gets in to heaven, or what sin is the worst.

    Totally too great of things for me to think about.

     But you keep thinking about those things God.

    About how to solve the country's debt or keep the polar ice caps from melting.

    That's what you mean by matters too wonderful for me right?

    I understand. 

    You got this.

     I promise to not worry about those things.

Slightly Smarter Annie:

     Ohhhhhh.

     I see now.

     I guess 'taking control of my future' probably falls under 'great matters'...

     And trying to make things happen for myself probably does too.

     And attempting to make plans on my own...

     And grasping life a little to tightly.

     Those all count as me being proud, huh?

     Well shoot.

     I'm not content or calm at all am I?

     I'm not actually free from it?

     Gotcha.

     I'll keep working on it then.

The Valley of Vision

Lord, High & Holy, Meek & Lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
     hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox
     that the way down is the way up
     that to be low is to be high,
     that the broken heart is the healed heart,
     that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
     that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
     that to have nothing is to possess all,
     that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
     that to give is to receive,
     that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells.  And the deeper the wells the brighter
     they stars shine;
Let me find thy light in my darkness,
     thy life in my death,
     thy joy in my sorrow,
     thy grace in my sin,
     thy riches in my poverty,
     thy glory in my valley.

-Arthur Bennett

2013

Life feels more beautiful these days.
It's the dead of winter & I'm saying life is beautiful.
Who am I?

But it is!
In bittersweet ways & in miraculous ways.
When I stop to think about what kind of state I was in this time last year, I cringe.
What a wreck!
But now, I am resting in a pretty peaceful place.

I can only assume however, that this time of resting is only here because life is shortly going to be turned upside down again.
Not in bad way, but just in a "time for big changes" way.

A lot of things are coming to an end.
My high school friends will graduate from East.
My college friends will graduate (you can do it Jill!) in May.
Hannah Patty is getting married (which is really a start, but the end of her living with me).
And I think my time in Jeff City is also coming to a close.

I sit in my room in the mornings with my coffee, my journal, my bible, & I rest.
I sit with Christ & listen.
I watch the sun light up my room & the birds begin their day.
I am quiet & He meets me here.

I have felt for a very long time now, that after having reached the top of my mountain I am supposed to leap off it!
But I couldn't!
I stared into the unknown with fear & uncertainty.
It was too risky.
But I'm not afraid anymore.
I'm not scared or sad or lonely or hurt.
I am bold & I am brave & I am me again.

Deo Volente

Now listen, you who say "Today or tomorrow we will go to this city, spend a year there, carry on business & make money" why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow! What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say "If it is the Lord's will, we will live & do this or that".  James 4:13-15

Deo Volente or "God willing" might just be my first tattoo.
But probably not. Still working on that whole commitment thing.
Ok seriously though, I am such a fool! *smh*
Thinking that my future is in my control...oh Annie...
It says right there in James that it's even the Lord's will that I live today!
yikes.
Good thing he isn't holding yesterday against me.

I worry like it's my job, hold onto anxiety like it's a soft, cuddly blanket, & I let fear of the future get me in one of those half-nelson holds (thats a thing right?)
And that's no way to live. Trust me.
Whenever my life has been a wreck or my circumstances seem overwhelming, it's because I took myself there.
It's because I told God, "Move over buddy, I can drive this vehicle" (right off a cliff I can drive it).
When life is messy, it's because of me.
When life is beautiful & clear it is because of him.
Therefore, his will > my will.

Which is why I need Deo Volente tattooed somewhere that I will always see it.
Apparently I need to be reminded of this on a daily basis or I start drowning in anxiety.
He's got this! Why would I hold on when he will do it for me? That's absurd!
God willing, I will live a long & happy life.
Doing what, I have no idea. And that's ok.
Today I am thankful he willed me to wake up, eat a bagel, drink some coffee, read his word, & type a funny blog entry.
Hope tomorrow goes just as well.

THE END

Listen

I'm so busy listening to what other people say about me or the things I think about myself, that I have forgotten how to listen for the Lord.

His voice should drown out all others. His words ringing clear. They are life-giving words.

What he says about me is the only truth.