Holy moly, me oh my, you're the apple of my eye

Grandmom

My person.
My best friend.
The 81 year old version of myself.
My shopping companion.
My stylist.
My card shark.
Her larger than life smile & exploding laughter.
The back rubs & hand holding & playing with my hair.
7 o'clock dates for Wheel of Fortune & Jeopardy..
Grandmom.

If this is the end of her life on Earth,
if this is how she extinguishes,
if it is this month that she takes her last breath,
if yesterday was the last time I hear her say she loves me,
then I am ok.

I spent 24 years loving her well & being loved well by her.
24 years of cooking & laughing & shopping & boy talking & card playing & reading People magazine.
I love this lady more than anyone else & I will miss her if this is her time.
But I know who holds her life & mine, & His timing is what I trust more than anything.

Verse for a YL leader

Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn’t take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I’ve become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn’t just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it! 1 Corinthians 9:19-23

Running a Marathon

When we were sophomores in college, my friend Holly & I decided we were going to become runners.

So we started going running a couple afternoons a week. 

Luckily, our legs are about the same length & we had both been high school athletes, so while we were currently not in the best of shape, we could easily keep pace with one another.

A couple minutes of running the straights & walking the hills turned into being able to run the mile loop around the intramural fields.

We played it safe at a mile for a while then took on the seemingly endless hill we had been avoiding.

After we conquered the hill we set out for 2 miles.

I will never forget the day we ran 2 miles.

Staring at our watches for the last half mile, watching the pavement slowly but surely disappear beneath our heavy feet, & panting so loud we could hear ourselves over our iPods.

We hadn't been smart enough to plan the route ahead of time so we ended up running the last fourth up a lengthy hill.

But we made it! 

I think we felt extra good about ourselves because a third friend had gone with us that particular day & had dropped out halfway through.

Sophomore year was a long time ago. 

Holly & I don't live in the same city anymore.

But I do still run. 

2 miles isn't scary anymore. 

I'm a 3 to 5 mile person now, but it always depends on the weather & the time of day & how my bad knee is feeling.

And I don't do sprints.

I've never been someone that does things fast.

Even as a high school swimmer, I was distance.

After all, they say it's all about the journey right?

The title of this post is probably a little misleading.

I am NOT running a marathon.

Not literally anyway.

I have been thinking about  the analogy of life being a marathon a lot lately though.

It can't be lived as a sprint. It just can't.

Sometimes it is incredibly tempting, but to sprint through life would be to miss out on life.

Even during the bad times when we want to lower our head, put a shoulder to the wind, & get through without feeling much, it's better to keep the pace.

There is a little tiny hill in part of my route that is more of a challenge than some of the big ones.

I think it's because it is sharp & on a turn & in the middle of the route, so no promise of "the end" once I reach the top.

I often tell myself that if I can make it up that hill, then I can make it through every other part. 

I take deeper breaths & I really concentrate on my feet hitting the asphalt. 

I feel my muscles in my legs tighten & my heartbeat speed up.

Then it's over & my body relaxes just a little.

That's how I see life. 

It I sprinted through even the toughest emotions, then I am not really engaged in life.

And I want to be fully engaged. 

I want to soak up every drop of life that I can. 

I want to run this marathon to the best of my ability. 

It's funny because what that means for me, a 24 year old with a degree from a private University, is spending the majority of my time with high school people. ( I don't call them kids cause they would find that offensive!)

It's true!

I find that I am most engaged in life when I am living a life that expresses the love of Jesus to others. 

And my God is a God of laughter & joy.

He is a God that wants me to enjoy the good things he put on this earth & to relish in the happy times.

So here I am, living a life that most of the rest of the world will never understand, so that one day I can say, as the apostle Paul did, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race...I was fully engaged in the marathon of life!"

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Here's some recent shots from my "race"

Dear Bible Belters:

"Faith isn't about knowing all the right stuff or obeying a list of rules.  It's something more, something more costly because it involves being present and making a sacrifice. Perhaps that's why Jesus is sometimes called Immanuel, 'God with us'. I think that's what God had in mind for us when it comes to other people". -Bob Goff, Love Does

Being a Christian is not about following a list of rules, but by being overcome with love. -Anon

When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"

On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick.  But go and learn what this means: I desire mercy not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.

Matthew 9:11-13

We don't live to put hands and feet on love. When love is a theory it's safe, it's free of risk. But love in the brain changes nothing...love is too beautiful a concept to keep locked up behind a forehead like a prisoner. -Donald Miller

September 7 2013

There are times in life when you can no longer just talk the talk.
When things get hard, we have to decide, do I truly believe what I say I do?

Savanna has been a friend of mine for going on 5 years now.
Watching her & her friends grow up has been one of the most precious gifts of my life.
I don't think I will ever love anyone the way I love my YL girls.
I know that for sure now, now while we are sitting by her side in the hospital.
Painting her nails, braiding her hair, buying her Fazoli's because she loves alfredo & the hospital food is gross.
Savanna can't move her legs. She can't even feel them.
I was in the room when the doctor showed us the MRI shots of her spine, or where her spine should be.
After looking at those pictures, there is no more hope that it was the swelling causing temporary injuries.

Thursday night, Savanna & the 3 boys she was with dropped 150 feet off the side of a mountain on their way home from Max Patch in North Carolina.
She says she felt her back break & the lower half of her body go numb.
Some of her ribs fractured & one lung collapsed.
She says she was certain she was going to die.
By the grace of God she didn't.

I don't know if it's all the pain meds, or if she is still in shock or if she is just in denial, but the hardest part right now is that she doesn't understand whats happened to her.
She is acting like it's a broken leg.
Like the brace she is wearing is completely temporary.
And 'going to rehab' means learning to walk again instead of learning to live life in a wheelchair.
I have to stand by her bed, make her laugh, & hold the hands of her other friends & leave her in this place of uncertainty while our lives go on as usual.

This is the hardest thing that has ever happened to us.

I do really believe what I say I do.
Now more than ever.

People are constantly saying "God will never give you more than you can handle".
But guess what?
That contradicts scripture.
Repeatedly.
God absolutely gives us more than we can handle so that we search him out & depend on Him as we should to get us through these things.
I don't know the right things to say to Savanna or her friends.
I don't know how to help myself sleep through the night.
I don't know how to find the money to pay all the medical bills.
I don't know how to fix this...

But I know the One who does.

All You Need is [Christ's] Love

I have a part time job as a nanny.
Two days a week I put a name card on my dash, sit in two different car lines, & shuttle the kiddos between practices & tutoring.
Today, Grayson's friend Andy is over to do homework.
Only, the homework is sitting on the counter & the boys are huddled around the pencil sharpener seeing how small they can get a pencil & still use it.
I'm in the kitchen making coffee & this is the conversation we are having:

"My grandma lived to be 92!" -Grayson
"That's pretty old," I chimed in "but my great-grandmother lived to be 105!"
"Wow!" exclaims Grayson, "She was like the oldest lady in the whole world!" I think I've trumped the boys, but Andy is sitting on the stool smirking.
"My great aunt was 110!" he states triumphantly.
I congratulate Andy & tell him he definitely wins the lifespan conversation.

But then the conversation turns.
I know where this is headed & am nervous for what's going to happen next.

"Yeh I win!" says Andy, "But I lose too cause my Dad died when he was only 33."
I'm not sure what to say, aware of his situation but unable to find the words to tell him how sorry I am. I finally muster up a, "Yeh, that's too young. 110 is much better."
"My dad is 47 and he's still alive!" says Grayson & I hold my breath. Kids say exactly what they're thinking & sometimes it's not too sensitive.
"Yeh well your dad wasn't murdered." Andy isn't emotional about this. He's still examining his newly sharpened, teeny pencil while talking to us. He finishes up his thought with, "I hate murderers. I wish I could shoot them all."

Something distracts the boys & before I can tear up or give Andy a hug, I'm telling them to stop putting batteries in their mouths.

Andy's family suffered a tragic loss this summer.
While working at their family pharmacy, his dad was murdered by a pill seeking addict in need of his next fix.
Gunned down in the middle of the day.
I knew this about the family across the street but neither Andy or his brother had talked about it while over at the house yet.
I knew it would come up eventually, but nothing could have prepared me to hear an 8 year old utter the words, "Well your dad wasn't murdered."

Even writing this now my eyes are stinging with tears.
Precious little kids that can't really comprehend what's happened to them or what a massive impact their Father's death will have in shaping the rest of their lives.
It makes my own heart hurt for them.
It makes me ask God why.
It makes me grateful that I still have my dad. A rocky relationship is better than no relationship.
It makes me pray, hard, that Andy will find & treasure a relationship with his heavenly Father.

The Beatle's were so close!
They almost hit the nail on the head, but they left out one important aspect in their famous chorus "All You Need is Love".
Because Love itself does nothing if it isn't of Christ.
All we need is Christ's love.
That is the only love that heals the kind of gaping, raw wounds that are left behind when a kid's dad dies in the middle of life.

Christ, come & rescue us.

How to be a better human

I've moved.
Just about a mile away from my old place, but I feel like I'm in a different world!
My little apartment is one of two that just sit right on top of one another in an old house.
It is quaint & charming, just like me;)
I have a little side porch, exposed rafters in the living room, & beautiful glass doorknobs on all the doors!
Yes, it's old, but I prefer most things to be that way.
The best part is that I turned one of the two bedrooms into my art studio!
My big yellow chair sits by a window, all my supplies are organized & can be accessed easily as opposed to being stored under by bed, one corner possess my easel & my paints, the other, my Grandfather's old drafting board! (ps: Poppa has been a cartoonist for 50+ years, He's kind of a big deal)

I guess the best part isn't actually my studio.
It's the fact, that after almost 2 years of panic attacks & fear of being alone, I live by myself & I LOVE IT!
No doing anyone else's dishes, no worrying about playing my music too loud, & mo one around to use up all the hand soap then not buy a new one! (My previous roommates were actually really great people & those are the only little things I could think to complain about)
Anyways, I feel so lucky to have found this vintage place.
I am busy adding new things, painting new canvases for the walls, & rearranging furniture.

I have decided to go without TV & internet at my new home.
It's something I have though about a lot & this was the perfect chance to say farewell to Charter & be free!
I wasn't very connected anyway.
I don't have a smart phone or an iPad or Kindle & the most TV I watched was through Hulu online.
I just couldn't justify paying $60 a month to check Facebook/Twitter, which is almost always depressing.
Instead, I have come up with a list of things to do with all this spare time that I have (because I did check Facebook/Twitter fairly often).
So far, SO GOOD.
I can already see the positive effects that my new list & my scarce internet use is having on my life as a whole.
So here it is:

HOW TO BE A BETTER HUMAN

1. No interent. 

2. No TV

3. Write more letters

4. Paint more

5. Learn to play the guitar (My friend Marilee gave me one for free!)

6. Listen to new music

7. Try new recipes

8. Be outside (I found a book about hikes in the Smokies that I plan on putting to good use!)

9.Read more books

10. Give things away

11. Forgive & Forget (that takes some conscious thought y'all)

12. Be intentional about encouraging others

13. Get out of my comfort zone (How is the question...) 

14. Give things away

15. Avoid TJMaxx at all costs (Nothing personal TJ, you've always been good to me)

16. Run hard after Jesus

PS: I visit the Young Life office once a day to use the internet. It's within walking distance!

Social Media

I am not my Twitter account.
I cannot be defined by 140 characters.
My thoughts, though simple, are more vast than a condensed 2 or 3 lines.
My true opinions & beliefs cannot fit into the square inch box that begs me to express my every thought.
I am not my misspellings or grammar mishaps.
I am not the scattered train of thought that my timeline displays.
I am not the occasional inappropriate joke that I share.
So please do not judge me based on what you read.

I am not my Facebook page.
Believe it or not, I do sometimes take not so attractive pictures, but they have been long buried where you will never find them.
I watch movies that other people would deem silly or dull, but they will not be displayed for everyone's criticism on my "About" page.
The same can be said for my taste in music. You won't catch my Spotify account spilling out my guilty pleasures such as Disney songs or Selena Gomez.
And try as I might to live out the inspirational quotes I have posted, I tend to fall short of my high aspirations.

I am not my Pinterest account.
How I dream of being as daringly stylish as the models portrayed in my Cyber Closet board.
But God has not blessed me with money to throw it away on what doesn't really matter.
I do not live in a house with detailed tiling, perfect lighting, & heated tiles in the bathroom.
But I am oh so thankful for air conditioning, a refrigerator, & a studio to paint in.
No matter how many recipes I pin, I am no chef.
At that matter, I am no fitness genius either, but I have done a good job of collecting routines that never get done.

I am not my Blog.
It is my tendency to display here some of my deepest emotions which may have you believing I hail from "Crazy town".
Or even worse, that I am some pious, close minded, religious freak who esteems herself far beyond reality.
When truly I am a simple girl trying to figure out life just like anyone else.

So come to any conclusion that you wish to draw, but remember that even after combining all these different social medias, that as a human being, I am so much more than the internet allows me to be.
And in a world where almost nothing is private, I choose to keep many things to myself.
There is something great to be said about mystery in such an outspoken society.

So while I am truthful in all things displayed on social media & am who you believe me to be,
I am also so much more.

My American Dream

"My American Dream...is one in which who I am becoming means more than where I am living. 

One in which the people I am impacting matter more than my title or salary. 

One in which I am fulfilled & content even in the face of disappointment or difficulty, 

& know I am loved even when circumstances say otherwise."

excerpt from an "InTouch" article

School has started back!! 

I'm back in the zone.

Coffee dates before the doors open at East high.

Lunches spent holding open cafeteria doors & awkwardly navigating the space between the tables to find my friends.

Afternoons of milling around on the steamy pavement, squeezing in conversations with kids before they speed off to work or practice or a far corner of the parking lot to 'catch up' with their significant other.

Filling the in-between hours writing to donors, making phone calls, hanging out with other leaders, & being alone with Christ.

I am truly living the dream.

My American Dream.

Found this on the Young Life Leader blog today.

It was written by a YL leader turned pastor & I am pretty sure is the dialouge for a really epic banquet video that mimics the well known TV show, Friday Night Lights.

It beautifully sums up what fall, as well as the rest of the year, looks like for us YL leaders.

As long as high school kids mill around at ball games looking for love in all the wrong places...  

As long as they desperately seek an identity based on the opinions of friends and reputation...

As long as kids limp through the stands broken by family strife, enslaved by drugs, alcohol, and sex...

I want to be found- not in the adult section where it is respectable and controlled... 

but right in the middle...where passions, vulgar and profane, blurt out obscenity...

Where raucous and reckless facades hide wounded hearts filled with torment and fear...

Where the price tags have been changed and darkness confuses...

Right in the middle where God has positioned me to shine forth His grace, His Hope, His love and His truth.

As long as there is an enemy who can convince his victims that tomorrow doesn't matter, that harm will not find them, that chains are like jewelry and cool is free...

As long as his lies leave character, soul, and life in ruins- when thrill goes ill and fun turns fatal...

As long as terminal is only a passage word to an eternity of one's own choosing...

 

As long as God has rendered him a defeated foe using the weakest of us to shine a light that pierces the darkest places, that brings rescue to the lost...

As long as the darkness is blasted away by the light of the world- that Light that lives within all who know, follow, and love Him...

 

As long as there is such darkness...

I'll man my post right in the middle of all that chaos, holding my position until he calls another play, and I steal home. 

As long as we stand in such an important place, we must not forget what it means to be salt and light in this tasteless and dark generation.

Risky Business

It was the last morning we would wake up at Frontier Ranch. I flipped the lights on and got 9 sleepy girls out of their bunks. We had our last cabin event that morning and surprisingly enough, they didn’t hate me for waking them at six am. We slowly made our way up the mountain to the rappelling site.  They had been so excited all week to strap into the harness and leap off the 130 foot rock face. So excited until they got to the top.  Heights always look a lot different when you are standing at the top instead of the bottom. A few girls eagerly grabbed helmets and began to practice the motions of the descent. “Hold onto the rope in front of you with your right hand and with your left, pull it out beside you, keep your feet out in front at hip level, and take big jumps away from the rocks,” were our instructions. Down they went, one by one, disappearing over the side of the platform that jutted out into the sky.  One of my friends hadn’t spoken a single word since we had arrived at the top.  She simply clung to the railing and peered over the side of the cliff into the empty space below her.  “Haley, you’ve got this!” I told her, “You conquered the ropes course two days ago, so I have complete confidence you can do this too.” It took much more encouragement, but Haley eventually let me help her into a harness and made her way to the edge of the platform, then over, and down. Everyone was so proud of themselves by the time they had both feet on the ground again. They looked back up the rock face, in awe of what they had accomplished. It wasn’t just the rappelling, it was the ropes course, the giant swing, the horses they had ridden, the ridge runners they drove at full speed, and the conversations they’d had with me and with their Savior. They had risked and overcome so much all week.  

Risk. I never thought of myself as a person who much enjoyed taking risks.  I sat on the edge of a 60 foot cliff and watched friends flip off into the lake beneath us. I drive the speed limit. I have no desire to skydive. The next adrenaline rush has never been something that I sought after. However, I have found a risk that is worth the taking. “It is right to risk for the cause of God”, claims John Piper in his book, Don’t Waste Your Life. The risk to give life away, to put others first, to proclaim the gospel to a generation that seeks only what is popular not what is true, is the most worthwhile risk I can imagine.  And it is most definitely a risk. The Gospels plainly tell me that when I choose to be a disciple of Christ, I will face hardships and persecution. I will not be understood by many peers or even family members and definitely not by the world. But because I know what my Savior has done for my life and because He has so obviously shown Himself to me the past four years through Young Life, I am going to risk it.

I want to be honest with you. I began looking into other careers this past Spring because I was feeling insecure about my income and my future. However, the more interviews I sat through, the more clearly God spoke to me. It was not time for me to end my ministry with Young Life. Everything felt wrong. Everything except sitting with my high school friends talking about Jesus. Everything except Bible study with the other Young Life leaders here in Morristown.  

Everything except the sound advice and encouragement I was receiving from the McMinn’s, the YL directors in our area. God backed me up on this.  He did not open a single door except the ones that would keep me here.  I went to camp not knowing how I would pay rent or bills when I got back, but He provided two different jobs that I actually really enjoy to get me through the rest of the summer. I even found a new apartment just a few days before my lease ran up at my old house. His timing is impeccable.

Psalms 63:3 states, “Because your steadfast love is better than life, my lips will praise you”. To me this simply means that sharing Him, or praising Him, to others, is much more important than worrying about what life is going to throw my way in the future or comparing my life to the lives of my peers. I also think of Matthew 6:25 which reminds me, “Do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing?”  I would love to share with you another quote from John Piper.  I have been reading his book, Don’t Waste Your Life this summer and have found it to be incredibly inspiring. Here is what Piper has to say about faith that requires risk:

This is the faith that frees us to risk for the cause of God.  It is not heroism, or lust for adventure, or courageous self-reliance, or efforts to earn God’s favor.  It is childlike faith in the triumph of God’s love -- that on the other side of all our risks, for the sake of righteousness, God will still be holding us.  We will be eternally satisfied in Him.  Nothing will have been wasted...If we walk away from risk to keep ourselves safe and solvent, we will waste our lives.

By being part of Young Life staff Christ has taught me the importance of, as well as given me fulfillment in, being satisfied in Him. I do truly believe in the triumph of His love, especially when it comes to shining my little light in the darkness of Morristown. My single passion is to share the gospel with high school kids in order to help them meet Jesus. Being on Young Life staff is the best way I know how to do this. I wish it was possible for you to see the light in my friends eyes after camp this year.  They heard the gospel preached as never before and their lives have been totally altered.  They are no longer comfortable living in sin.  We have been meeting at my house every Sunday night since camp to dive into the Scriptures together. They are learning so much about His love for them, of how He finds them worthy when no one else does, and how pursuing a life with Him is greater than any other relationship they are letting fill them up. It is a beautiful thing and is my favorite part of the week. I am willing to risk it all for more moments such as these.

There's no place like home

Last night at West King.
I think I'll have some wine & a good cry.
The house itself didn't shape me into who I am. but I did become that person while living here.
I don't know what else to say about it.
West King will always be home to me.

10:53pm

Do you ever think about who you almost were?

About what you may have let yourself become?

Of how you sometimes acted as you were expected to, not how you really wanted to be?

Or of the time you almost gave in to being just like everyone else?

Do you?

And do you then, with a sigh of great relief, thank the Lord that you did not shrink into that shell of a being?

Do you all of a sudden, all at once, see the light of who you are now?

Am I the only one that experiences bursts of contentment & satisfaction in the fact that what could have been is not?

Do you ever relish in the beautiful simplicity of life as it is now?

Or feel incredibly grateful to be on the outside, free from the obvious, or not so obvious, chains that bind others to a life they would rather let go?

I find myself in that place often these days.

I said it once in a different post & I'll say it again,

You never knew what it felt like to be as chained & bound up as I was,

so you will never know what it feels like to be this free!

Fearless

**do not skip over, this post is not about a Taylor Swift song**

So this is what freedom feels like.
I had no idea.
No clue that I could be
calm.
at peace.
confident.
healed.
Didn't know I had the ability to sleep through the night
I only knew what it felt like to be
trapped.
suffocated.
lonely.
in constant pain.
always thirsty.
always screaming.
I was all too familiar with ghosts from my past.
sleepless nights.
secrets.
shame.
fear.
I wavered on the line between sadness & depression for far too long.
Afraid of what I had done catching up to me.
Scared I would give in to the darkest parts of my being,
but at the same time too weak to turn them over to the light.
Stuck.
Between my flesh & my spirit.
But grace happened.
And mercy.
And forgiveness.
And, maybe most welcomed, a calling.
I was washed clean.
1,000 times over.
Wave after unexpected wave crashing down.
Erasing what had been & what was & what could have been.
The waves took my heart out to sea & buried it there.
Then they brought me a new one.
It was softer.
larger.
more tender.
And it beat harder.
It takes up more room in my soul while at the same time, never running out of space.
I like this heart.
So much more than the other.
In it I find no fear.
no panic.
no pain.
no worry.
no shame.
no guilt.
no anxiety.
Just love abounding.
My new heart came with a calling.
Very clear & obvious to me.
I am no longer weak for His spirit is strong in me.
I can go confidently now.
Life is not the enemy anymore.
For the old is gone & the new is come.
I have become free.
and fearless.

Risking Vulnerability

Most of the charismatic men I'd dated were actually jerks or bad boys, hardly relationship material.  They'd subtly reject me but keep me around for fun, playing games where I always ended up the loser. I suppose I'd always been attracted to commitment-phobes because some part of me felt unlovable.  It was a lot easier to fall for a guy who I knew, on some level, wouldn't fall in love with me.  There was nothing to risk. The real risk would be to finally be vulnerable to love...

...said the narrator about herself in a magazine article I read today.
She put in words what I have known about myself for some time now, but couldn't quite string together in one conscious thought.
Jerk, after jerk, after perfectly witty & handsome JERK.
I didn't know what was happening.
I didn't realize I was sabotaging myself.
But she hit the nail on the head..."because some part of me felt unlovable".

I found myself siding with the men.
When they were gone it was like I couldn't blame them.
I understood why they chose someone else because I didn't even love myself.
And I had never expected that they would love me to start with.

Then there are the guys that took genuine interest in me.
We all remember them...
The ones I wouldn't give the time of day to, because "the real risk would be to finally be vulnerable to love".
I often wondered why I longed for the ones that ran all over me & ignored the ones that had nothing but the best of intentions.

It was slowly revealed to me & ever since I have been aware of it, I have been trying to be different, or at least I have kept myself at a safe distance from ALL dating relationships because I can't trust my own judgement.
I dream about a beautiful relationship while keeping anyone worthwhile at a far distance.

There is something broken deep inside of me that has made me this way.
I could pinpoint a few life experiences that I think may have contributed to this damaged part of my heart, but I don't want them to have the power anymore.
I don't want to be this person anymore!

Christ is so good at un-clenching my fists that are wrapped tightly around what has been comfortable in my life.
So much so, that when He frees me in one area, He simply moves right along to the next, rarely giving me time to breath between the painful, but necessary, prying open of my hands.
It is my prayer that He see's me through this un-clenching.
That whatever lie of Satan's that I have bought into that tells me I am unlovable, will be wrenched from my tightly bound hands & disposed of forever!
That I will be free from the lifestyle that leaves behind a trail of broken hearts.
That there will be a man who is worth the risk.

I am willing to be patient in this transition, in fact, I hope that is drawn out.
I want to be healthy & whole & even more in love with Christ before I am vulnerable enough to fall in love with someone else.
But I do want it.
I am not blind to my fault anymore.
I am no longer ignorant of my fear.
So, with the help of my Savior, I will face it head on & hopefully become the woman He intends me to be.
Whether she is single, or not.

Until Christ is formed in you [and me too]...

Sunday nights have very quickly become my favorite night of the week.
We started having campaigners when we got back from Frontier & even though we have actually only had two, I feel like we've been doing this forever.
There is NOTHING more beautiful to me than sitting in a room  together, opening up the Word, highlighting verses that jump out, asking questions about the ones that confuse, & digging for more info on the Jesus guy that loves us, mess included.

*sigh*

We fill up my little living room, some on couches, some on the floor, some have pulled up kitchen chairs in empty spaces.
We laugh together.
We learn together.
We share the tough things.
Last week, I recreated family dinner like we have at camp because my friends had told me they never eat like that with their families. (cue tears)
This week we made s'mores over the fire pit in my front yard.

We talked about grasping tonight.
In Romans, we read about the tension between our sinful flesh & our new Christ centered mindset.
About how the two create this intense chaos in our lives.
Our continual desire to be like Him paired with our instinctive selfish actions is painful!
And sometimes, at least for me, makes me feel crazy!
Then we read in Philippians, that if we have experienced His mercy & affection, then we must feel beholden to work towards being more like our Savior.
That we are to retract our hands from ignorantly grasping at the empty earthly things that only temporarily fill a void, in order to latch on to a God that will permanently sustain us.

Easier said than done.

I find myself still grasping at the wrong things.
As soon as I rest in the Lord in one area, I begin desperately grasping in another.
The tension.
Sin vs. Savior.
Thank goodness we know who wins in the end.

I'm learning more through teaching, than ever before.

And we will continue, "...until Christ is formed in you." Galatians 4:19

Cast aside everything that might extinguish this small flame which is beginning to burn within you, and surround yourself with everything which can feed and fan it into a strong flame.

She said yes!! And so did she!! And she did too!!

This is rare folks!
2 entries in 2 days!
Hold onto your socks!

So one of my favorite people in the world got engaged last month.
Holly has been dating Adam for...well like an eternity now!
He surprised her with a day trip to the beach where he got down on one knee & put a ring on it!
We all knew they would be the next to make this commitment, but they had done a great job keeping all their plans a secret from us, their friends.
I didn't answer the phone when she called so I had to wait until the next morning to hear the beautiful news & cried when she told me.
It's for real now!
Two days ago, I opened a letter from Holly in which she asked me to be her bridesmaid.
I texted her right away, through more tears, telling her that I'm glad she officially asked me because I was planning on standing upfront with her either way!

Strangely enough, later the same day that I got Holly's letter in the mail, our other dear friend Courtney got engaged!
Courtney & Stewart haven't even been dating a year yet, but we all knew as soon as it began, that it was going to be a forever kind of thing.
Stewart drove them out to Courtney's family's farm where he proceeded to take pictures then asked if he could set the timer so they could have a few together.
They took some just smiling, then he kissed her in one, then he got down on his knee with a ring in the last one.
No surprise ending here, she said yes!
When she called to tell me, I couldn't do anything but ask if she was joking!
Stewart had been really good at throwing us all off the trail.
He's in Med school, so we thought it would be awhile, but no!
The man couldn't wait any longer!

Katy & I were texting that night, about our friends engagements & about my recent YL camp trip.
She is at the beach with her family so it was a shorter conversation.
As we ended it, I jokingly told her to let me know if she too got engaged while she was at the beach...
It was around 11:30 when I ignored her first phone call then answered the second with that knowing, but shocked, realization that she was calling to tell me that Jordan had given her a ring too!
It felt surreal to hear her tell of her beach proposal, hidden cameras included!
I love that her whole family was there to celebrate afterwards. I think thats beautiful.
When Jordan asked her she said, "YES! But did you ask my dad?"
How very Katy!

I cannot believe that 3 of my sweetest, most loved friends have made such exciting life commitments so close to one another!
I love to see people's dreams come true.
I feel so lucky to have been a part of their lives & to have been close enough to them throughout the years to watch their love stories unfold.
It's going to be a crazy, but great wedding season!

You Make Me New

You cannot be multiplied enough to be shared. You can only be broken enough to be shared. 

-Robert Benson

And now I know that Mr. Benson was right.

I just got back from taking 9 of my high school friends to Frontier Ranch in Colorado.

We truly had the best week of our lives! (for me, every new camp experience is better than the last)

My sweet friends found Jesus on that holy ground tucked away into the Rocky Mountains. 

They heard of His massive love for them, how He willingly went to the cross, not as a victim but as their Savior, how He loves them before they ever even have to change, & that because He loves them, they can change.

It was a beautiful week.

I was especially impressed with them as we met up after club every night for cabin time.

They were open, vulnerable, & honest right from the start. 

Which I assume is impressive to me because I remember what I was like in cabin time during my high school YL trip.

I was that kid...

Oh I was listening, but you couldn't have paid me to open up & actually talk about my personal life in a room full of girls who I barely knew, didn't know, or just didn't trust.

Maybe it was also because the people in my life that I should have been able to lean on, were in fact the ones that had hurt me.

Things were a mess at home.

I hated my dad.

There was no relationship between us.

He had fallen short of what I expected & I was in the middle of carrying out my plan to hurt him just as badly as he had hurt me.

And I was good at it.

I was also not about to let people know I was as unhappy as I really was, lost as I really felt.

I was tough, I could handle it.

I was not a pitiful baby like my dad always said.

But then Rachel, my leader, asked me to talk 1 on 1.

I knew as soon as she did that my carefully constructed walls could protect me from a group, but not when one person's energy was completely focused on me.

We sat down at a picnic table on the porch behind the office.

I remember that boys were walking by the whole time because we were sitting next to a frisbee golf tee-off.

I remember her reaching across the table & touching my arm.

I remember that she asked me if I was ok.

I remember saying yes, but I couldn't look her in the eyes.

I remember her asking if i was really ok.

I remember laying my head down & crying.

Right there in the middle of all those guys playing frisbee, I let it out.

I knew she loved me & I knew she could tell me how my life could be different.

And I couldn't handle the pressure of keeping it to myself anymore.

My relationship with my dad got worse before it got better.

So did my relationship with myself.

7 years later, I found myself at a picnic table next to the snack shop with one of my friends, then in a rocking chair gazing off the cliff, also on the side of the pool near the slide, & with another under the seemingly endless starry night sky.

7 years later, when I posed the question "When was a time in your life that you have felt entirely alone, empty, or like your walls were crashing in on you?", I heard 9 different stories about girls & their fathers.

Stories of pain & guilt & shame & heart break & emptiness & brokenness.

And I got to be the one to tell them of a heavenly Father who would never leave them, never disappoint them, & never break their heart.

I got to share all of my brokenness concerning my dad & thankfully, I was able to end my story by telling them of the healing Christ brought to that relationship.

Hope. For them all.

I wasn't brave enough to share while I was a 17 year old, but I am so glad they were. 

And I am thankful that I have been broken enough to be shared with them now.

Praise be to my Lord!

To God Almighty!

Whose great plan for my life is revealed in His time.

Who is making everything new.

Who met 9 high school girls during the best week of their lives.

And who meets me every day.

Hallelujah!

"And so with the sunshine, I had the familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer." F. Scott Fitzgerald

Summer is a beautiful thing.
Maybe, to me, the most beautiful thing in the world.
I know they say things about how summer wouldn't be as appreciated if we didn't go through winter, & maybe they are right, but winter can kiss my you-know-what.

Summer is everything.

Summer is fireflies
Summer is catching June bugs then tying a little floss around one of their scrawny legs.
Summer is a bead of sweat that travels from your neck, between your shoulder blades, down to the dip in your lower back, where it settles.
Summer is the sound of cicada's, who have long dreamt of serenading us.
Summer is stargazing on a blanket of cool, sweet smelling grass.
Summer is chalk drawings on ancient sidewalks that have been disrupted by the roots of the old Live Oaks.
Summer is crowns made from clover.
Summer is the smell of Magnolia's & Boxwoods.
Summer is the golden smear of the setting sun as it melts quietly  into the lake.
Summer is the color green. For the grass & the trees & the leaves on the Hydrangeas.
Summer is a lemonade stand, an ice cream truck, & a snow cone cart. De-licious.
Summer is a wet dog that snuck up behind you to shake off the lake water.
Summer is bedtime with the windows open.
Summer is an adrenaline pumping flip, long fall, & sharp splash into the cold water of the rock quarry.
Summer is heat lighting that illuminates the sky beyond the mountains.
Summer is never knowing exactly what day it is.
Summer is a ride in a truck bed with your best friends, everyone's hair whipping around & tangling together.
Summer is weightless, like floating peacefully in the pool.
Summer is spitting watermelon seeds farther than your brother.
Summer is that one song.
Summer is a little itchy, between the bug bites & the occasional bout of poison ivy.
Summer is that life force that hums deep inside of you continually whispering "outside...outside...outside".
Summer is hot enough to see. Heat moving across the asphalt like waves upon the shore.
Summer is a good book on a front porch during an afternoon rain.
Summer is a kiss that is salty & sweet & just long enough to turn you inside out.
Summer is laughter, always traveling on the breeze from somewhere close by.
Summer is bare feet, black from the day's adventures.
Summer is picnicking in your neighbors tree house. 
Summer is a low rumble of thunder that sends Little Leaguers back to the dug out.
Summer is fishin' in the dark & in the day & in the twilight.
Summer is forgetting to eat lunch because your kickball game went into extra innings.
Summer is suncreen & tan lines.
Summer is a PB& J underneath the shade of a Mimosa tree.
Summer is magic.
Summer is life giving.
Summer is everything.

A Wish to Build a Dream On

 

 

This is my dear friend Savannah.

I have had the blessing of being her friend for the past 4 years &  have gotten to watch her grow up to be a confident, driven,compassionate, loyal, & obviously beautiful young lady.

She's a tiny little person with a heart the size of Texas.

She asked me to shoot some pictures for her graduation announcements & this is what we came up with!

It was a warm, sunny day filled with lots of giggles & some really big bumblebees.



Heartbroken

I used to be tougher than this.
I used to deflect hardships with the greatest of ease.
I used to have walls built up high enough to keep out pain, sympathy, lots of feelings really.
I used to feel nothing because I expected so little of people, because I had been so hurt.

Jesus changed all that.

Sometimes I miss that old girl.
The one who didn't feel much.
Because now, on a daily basis, I get my heart broken.

Like yesterday, in Sunday School, a 4 year old girl asked us to pray that someone gives her a home to live in for good. She has the prettiest blue eyes & the most infectious laugh. She's in foster care right now & she told me how much she misses her mom. That's not fair.

Or last Thursday, on Valentine's Day, I took one of my high school friends to dinner & we talked about life.
About her parents & how she has never felt like they love her. How she had been sent away to live with family, how her dad only calls her when he's drunk & angry, how her mom can't afford to give her the things she needs.  None of that is fair either.

Jesus took my heart of stone & pumped life into it.
He did this so that I was capable of loving others.
I know that now.
He did that for me so that He could love me & that in return I could love His children that have missed out on true love.
If I am loving them, then Christ is loving them.
If Christ is loving them, then their lives will change.

My heart aches on a daily basis now, but I wouldn't want it to be any other way.

Keep risking that your heart's desire is trustworthy...until life becomes what it was meant to be: sheer enjoyment & pure dancing in the spaciousness of love. -Gerald G May

The Valley of Vision

Lord, High & Holy, Meek & Lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
     hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox
     that the way down is the way up
     that to be low is to be high,
     that the broken heart is the healed heart,
     that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
     that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
     that to have nothing is to possess all,
     that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
     that to give is to receive,
     that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells.  And the deeper the wells the brighter
     they stars shine;
Let me find thy light in my darkness,
     thy life in my death,
     thy joy in my sorrow,
     thy grace in my sin,
     thy riches in my poverty,
     thy glory in my valley.

-Arthur Bennett

2013

Life feels more beautiful these days.
It's the dead of winter & I'm saying life is beautiful.
Who am I?

But it is!
In bittersweet ways & in miraculous ways.
When I stop to think about what kind of state I was in this time last year, I cringe.
What a wreck!
But now, I am resting in a pretty peaceful place.

I can only assume however, that this time of resting is only here because life is shortly going to be turned upside down again.
Not in bad way, but just in a "time for big changes" way.

A lot of things are coming to an end.
My high school friends will graduate from East.
My college friends will graduate (you can do it Jill!) in May.
Hannah Patty is getting married (which is really a start, but the end of her living with me).
And I think my time in Jeff City is also coming to a close.

I sit in my room in the mornings with my coffee, my journal, my bible, & I rest.
I sit with Christ & listen.
I watch the sun light up my room & the birds begin their day.
I am quiet & He meets me here.

I have felt for a very long time now, that after having reached the top of my mountain I am supposed to leap off it!
But I couldn't!
I stared into the unknown with fear & uncertainty.
It was too risky.
But I'm not afraid anymore.
I'm not scared or sad or lonely or hurt.
I am bold & I am brave & I am me again.