missing you

"I feel all the same things when I do things alone as when you were here. The bath feels hot, the bed feels soft, but I feel there's a funny little hole in me that wasn't there before, like a splinter in your finger, but this is somewhere above my stomach." -Harriet the Spy

I don't understand many things in life. Like how my dad was always trying to make me understand something about how the color we see isn't the color that something is.  He went on about how a leaf isn't actually green, but every color except green because it reflects green & absorbs all the other colors. A concept I am still trying to grasp. I also don't understand why I had to learn complicated algebraic equations when I knew for a fact I wasn't going to look for a career that required me to use them. I especially don't understand why you were here & why you left.

Sometimes people ask me if I love you. I tell them yes. You don't know that & I'm probably not going to tell you. It seems rather pointless. I think I'll just start telling them I don't know how I feel about you.  I will start telling people that I just really miss you.  That I miss you more than I knew I would & that not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here for some small moment in my life.  I will tell them that I liked my life better with you in it & how there is always this weight in my heart where you once made me feel so light.

Funny how it took you leaving for me to finally realize that you meant more to me than anyone else.  Now when I'm bored, I'm lonely too. I used to be bored with you. I live in the same place & see the same people. I go all the same places we used to go & listen to all our favorite songs. That's all the same. But when you left, you took some of the beauty & most of the fun out of my life. You took a chunk of my heart too.

I know that this sounds very sad & many times I am very sad without you. I am learning that it's OK to miss you & be sad about it.  But I'm not going to let it hold me back. You're happy so I will be happy too.

You being gone is one of those things in life that, while I don't necessarily understand it, I must accept as real.  Like the color of the leaves & why A squared + B squared = C squared...