No Turning Back

The servant leader is the leader who is being led to unknown, undesirable, & painful places.  The way of the Christian leader is not the way of upward mobility in which our world has invested so much, but the way of downward mobility ending on the cross...It is not a leadership of power & control, but a leadership of powerlessness & humility in which the suffering servant of God, Jesus Christ, is made manifest...The loud boisterous noises of the world make us deaf to the soft, gentle, & loving voice of God. A christian leader is called to help people to hear that voice & so be comforted & consoled...He asks us to move from a concern for relevance to a life of prayer, from worries about popularity to communal & mutual ministry, & from a leadership built on power to a leadership in which we critically discern where God is leading us & our people. -Henri J.M. Nouwen

I just got back from spending a weekend in Nashville with some of my closest friends from college.
I had been looking forward to it for so long & was definitely everything I had hoped it would be!
We picked up as if no time had passed.  There was no awkward "Let's catch up" small talk, just us, being us!
We have all been out of college for a year or more, we have all grown up a lot, we have all moved on in life, but throwing us back together for a weekend of wedding festivities brought out our inner 21 year old college selves!
We were living the good life. Hotel in the middle of downtown, walking everywhere, looking fantastic, dancing the night away, we definitely felt very glamorous!

On the long drive home, I started questioning everything about my life....Why am I choosing to stay in a little po' dunk town? Why didn't I go to grad school? Why am I not living with people my own age? Why can't I have that much fun every weekend? Why does my life look so different?
I was seriously ready to pick up everything & move to Nashville...where MEN (not boys) ask me out on dates, where there is live music every night, where people actually have style, where I could have some fancy job...
But then, God brought me back to reality.

He has not chosen that life for me. For some of my friends maybe, a more exciting lifestyle is in their future, but for now, I am staying put.
That's kind of hard to swallow.
It isn't easy. Living here. In an environment where my friends are all in college or high school. Where I am NEVER meeting new people my age.
The free spirit in me wants to go & be a girl of this world, but the holy spirit reminds me of what is really true.
That those desires are merely the "loud, boisterous noises of the world" & that they will always fade away, leaving emptiness.
The still, quiet voice of God is what brings lasting joy.

That is that God has a plan for me & that His plan is greater, much greater, than anything I could plan for myself.
I have committed to the life I am living & He will see me through.
I am so impatient to get what I want. I like knowing what is ahead & I like having a goal to work towards.
Sometimes I get so tried of waiting on the rest of my life!
And I am forever comparing my life to everyone else's...but why would I want anything other than what he has planned?

The words of Nouwen are constantly going through my head...."downward mobility", "undesirable places", "life of prayer", "not about popularity"...these are all things I struggle with.
It's hard to hear that the popular, glamorous lifestyle that I sometimes crave is not what Christ deems worthy!
I don't want to be led into unknown, undesirable, painful places!
Take me down Easy Street!
Lord can't you mold me into the person you want me to be some other way?
But I can feel his hand on my shoulder as he patiently smiles & says no.

For now, really forever, I will trust Him.
Because I know that His promises never fail, & he has promised me the best life, a life more beautiful & fulfilling than I could ever desire.

I have decided to follow Jesus, no turning back, no turning back....