It's a Heart Thing

"The heart of God is a heart that forgives, that cares, that reaches out & wants to heal.  In that heart there is no suspicion, no vindictiveness, no resentment and not a tinge of hatred." -Henri JM Nouwen

Well that sure hits the nail on the head.

I read that and it's kind of like a reality check.

Sometimes I think I have come so far, I have changed so much, I am doing things that I think please God, I am trying  to live my life for Him, and I may outwardly appear to have it all together.

But you get inside my heart and there are still some ugly scars.

There is most definitely some trash that needs taking out.

Is it possible for me to have such a heart?

I have been hurt by so many....I have hurt so many.

There is so much to forgive.

There is so much to heal. It's going to take quite a while.

I am so suspicious. I am so hesitant in friendships, relationships, life in general.

I am so afraid. To be hurt. To be made out to look like a fool. To lose people I love. 

There is certainly vindictiveness in my heart. My first instinct is to hurt someone as badly as they hurt me.

My relationship with my dad speaks to that.

He hurt me so I ignored him.

At first on purpose, then it just became inadvertent. 

We became strangers and that relationship still suffers.

Resentment? Oh I feel it. 

Hatred? I am trying so hard to abolish that emotion within myself.

Henri JM Nouwen is my favorite author...theologian...priest...?

He is all those things. I guess I could just say that he's one of my favorite people, even though I have not actually met him. I really enjoy reading his books!

This quote hit me in the gut.

I found it in the book In the Name of Jesus which is about Christian leadership. Great read!

It had such an impact on me because these are things I pray over on a consistent basis.

They are flaws of mine of which I am very aware.

And they are so sinful and so ugly.

I am ashamed that they are chained to me.

I want a heart like God's.

Can you imagine?

No hatred, no suspicion, no vindictiveness!

A heart that looks to forgive and heal!

Talk about freeing!

Holding grudges and resenting others hurts me more than it hurts others, so to have a heart that is free from all that...well it would be the most magnificent thing I could think of.

I want to be more gracious and loving. 

I want to be remembered as kind.

There are some people that will never know me as those things.  People who never saw the real me. People that I hurt and that hurt me.  Ties that have been broken that will never be fixed.

But I am not my past and I will not dwell in what was.

I know that Christ lives in me.

I know that I can have a heart like His.

I know that it will take time and effort on my part. 

But I know that He loves me and will carry me there.

I'm leaving you with a quote that Brooke shared in leadership one Wednesday night last year.  I printed it out and laminated it then put it on the mirror in our house because it gives me hope that I won't be my rotten self for forever!

"May you believe in God, but may you come to see that God believes in you.  May you have faith in Jesus, but may you come to see that Jesus has faith that you can be like Him.  A person of love and compassion and truth.  A person of forgiveness and peace and grace and joy and hope.  And may you be covered in the dust of your rabbi, Jesus."

That's the kind of person I aspire to be!