No such thing as Alone

"In solitude I get rid of my scaffolding: no friends to talk with, no telephone calls to make, no meetings to attend, no music to entertain, no books to distract, just me -- naked, vulnerable, weak, sinful, deprived, broken -- nothing. It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude, a nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work, and my distractions so that I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something.  But that is not all.  As soon as I decide to stay in my solitude, confusing ideas, disturbing images, wild fantasies, and weird associations jump about in my mind like monkeys in a banana tree. Anger and greed begin to show their ugly faces. I give long hostile speeches to me enemies and dream lustful dreams in which I am wealthy, influential and very attractive-- or poor, ugly, and in need of immediate consolation.  Thus I try again to run from the dark abyss of my nothingness and restore my false self in all its vainglory. " Henri JM Nouwen, The Way of the Heart

Where do I start?

What do I say from here?

At our Young Life banquet last month, Scott told the audience that in a new survey conducted by MTV, young people admitted that the thing they were most afraid of in life is not losing their friends of parents, it's not Paranormal Activity 3, it's not Lady GaGa, the thing teens are afraid of most is being alone.

And I wanted to say "just teens?"

Are we not all terrified of being alone?

I think in this sense they meant it as, not having someone to turn to, not having any friends, never getting married, going through life alone.

But can't it mean, literally, the act of being by yourself.

Left alone with your real self.

No distractions, no background music, no nothing.

Just me and my thoughts.

Yikes.

When I was younger, maybe in middle school or so, I used to wake up in the middle of the night for no reason. I just would all of a sudden not be asleep anymore while everyone else in the house was tucked away in bed.

And it terrified me.

I would walk to my parents room to make sure my mom was still there. I would sit and read. I cleaned my room. I did anything to keep from being consumed by the darkness that only early morning hours brings.

Sometimes I had panic attacks thinking about how I was the ONLY one awake. 

I am the kind of person that likes to stay busy.
I love to be with people, go places, throw parties, have game night, basically anything that puts me around people.
But sometimes this is to my detriment.
I, like all those teens that were surveyed, am afraid of being alone.
And I am brave enough to say that I am afraid of what others will think of me if I am often alone.
They will tease me or worse, pity me, believing that it is not by choice, but because I have no friends, that I am alone.

Throughout college I never said no to an invite.
I almost always was up for doing something, ANYTHING, as long as I wasn't left alone.
I now look back on those times and diagnose myself as having a disease called FOMO, or the Fear Of Missing Out.
Being left alone was the scariest thing I could think of!
Who sits by themselves on a Friday night? Losers. Thats who.
Or at least I told myself that.
I think now I can admit that I was afraid.
I was terrified of being left alone with myself.
Because it is in these moments of solitude that Christ enters in and stirs up certain emotions and passions that complicate things.
He reminds me that I have a lot to work on and that this life isn't about me.
There is a bigger purpose.
When I am alone, He shows me the person He wants me to be as opposed to the person that I am.
I am reminded of my faults, of the things I so desperately need Him to save me from.
Things like anger, judgement, grudges, and resentment.

When I am left alone to face myself, things get real.
I don't like to confront my demons!
It's hard!
If I stay busy enough, if I am with other people, doing other things, I can pretend that I am ok!!
I can hide, I can cover up, I can keep living as though I have no issues.
But it is in these times of solitude that He sorts through my rottenness, my ugly, my embarrassing, my secrets, all the things that hold me back.

Not so long ago I would have dreaded being alone, but now I cherish these times.
Because it is in my solitude that I realize I am never truly alone.

For He is always with me.

"There in the vast stillness of desert solitude, we are gradually converted, unmade, and remade.  We become a fresh beginning. Wendy M. Wright