Jilly

Everyone has a gross part of them, I guess we just kind of have to accept that and let Christ redeem it. Say "Hello part of me that is me, I anknowlegde your presence, meet my friend Jesus." -Jill Holt

I talk about Young Life on here fairly often. Ok maybe more than fairly.
I have mentioned the ups & downs, some of the great things that have come of it, and def the tough things.
But I have never mentioned Jill.
Young Life gave me Jill.


She is 2 years younger than me & I couldn't tell you the first time we met.
It had to have been at QUEST (new leader) gathering her freshman year, but I don't remember it.
Jill does though. She said I looked scary.
She ended up being placed on my team where, thankfully, I eventually became less scary to her.


Jill is anything but ordinary.
In her room she has the following: a sign that says "what happened at deer camp, never happened."Moose posters. Peyton Manning's Wheatie's box cover proudly on display. A porcelain goose that has outfits for holidays. A jack-a-lope. A hula-hoop. And various other rarities. 
Sometimes, Jill puts on her helmet while she's in the house because it feels nice. Sometimes she puts it on, along with knee pads, elbow pads, shin pads, & gloves, & pogo's down our street. 
Jill eats soggy cereal every morning. Usually standing up.
She won't eat anything after brushing her teeth.
She has a weakness for Bold Party Chex Mix & boys that are slightly nerdy.
Jill is my best friend.


Those qualities I listed above definitely contribute to making Jill who she is & I love all of those things about her.
But it isn't those characteristics, no matter how unique, that set her apart from most people.
It's the way that she cares.
The way that she goes through life with no chip on her shoulder, no bad thoughts about anyone, always assuming the best of people, & forgiveness unending.
Christ asks us to believe with a child like faith, & I think Jill is the only person I know that lives her life that way.


I don't deserve a friend like this. I drag her into my mess.  Into the black hole that is my mind.  I keep her up late at night with the thoughts whirling around in that abyss I call my brain, but she listens & she talks things through with me. 
She tells me I'm ok, no matter how psycho I am acting & is patient with me when I am moody.


Jill doesn't say nearly as much as I do (I talk a lot. I blame my dad).
But that just means that when she mentions something, it is of the utmost importance.
She's at YL camp in Colorado right now, but her job is in the office so we are able to email back & forth every day.
I wouldn't make it 4 weeks without talking to her!
The quote at the opening of this entry was in a recent email I received from her.
Short & to the point!
But isn't it so true?
So with it I say this:


Hi psycho/insecure/popularity seeking/ugly thought having/rebellious part of me! Meet Jesus!
And Jesus, thank you for Jilly!

Jill is far left. My dear, sweet friend Katie is center, & yours truly is on the right. These are our favorite t-shirts. =)

In v. Out

I miss the outdoors when I'm inside.
I miss the sticky air, the way it sits heavy on me & the strength of its stillness.
I miss the noises.  How the quiet can be so loud. Symphony of crickets & birds & cars a few streets over & children giggly somewhere down the street.
I miss the breeze however gentle.
I miss the colors.  The gold of the Sunflowers, the deep pink of the Rambling Roses 'round the mailbox, the peach colored Day Lilies & the periwinkle Bachelor Button's that line the sidewalk & especially the thousand shades of green that come to life in the trees.
I miss the heat. Oh how I miss the heat. How I do miss the sun & the way my blood feels, boiling under my skin.

I hate the fabricated air pumping through the office.
I hate the sounds of keyboards & drawers slamming.
I hate the fan that blows on me on each rotation.
I hate the bowl of candy full of peppermints & butterscotch.
I hate the harsh lighting.
I hate the awkward small talk I have to make with customers.

But thats life I suppose.
Would I love the outdoors so much if I never had to be inside?

answered prayer

i am home alone.
it is night time.
and i am happy.

no fear no anxiety no loneliness.
no panic attacks.

what a change that is from 6 months ago.
praise the Lord.

lately

I have so much to say.
Usually when thoughts fill my head like this it's because I need sleep. And I do, need sleep, but this time I feel as if it's something much bigger lingering inside my mind.
This time, these revolving thoughts will not be absorbed by my pillow.
This time, they must see follow-through.

I have been following the ebb's & flow's of life with little resistance. I don't want to push the envelope, I don't want to get out of my comfort zone, I don't want to find myself in any kind of confrontation or faced with any serious problems.
There are good days & there are bad days.  There is warm laughter & there are cold tears.
Kind of all of a sudden something has changed though.
I can feel it inside of me.

There is an unnerving desire for change, for adventure, for the un-ordinary.
I have become impatient for the next step. I feel as if someone has flipped my on switch. Or that someone higher up has called down to say "be watching, be waiting, be listening, because the plan is coming, it will be told to you sooner than later".
With this situation comes the most bizarre feeling. Something that seems to be anxiety paired with peace.
How can that be you ask?
I have no answers for you.
All I know is that something is getting ready to happen.  That something may just be the rest of my life, but it's coming in hard & fast.

For so long now I have been praying for a disconnect from this world.  And now it is so close I can smell, it. I can taste it.  Soon enough it will be time to grasp it. I am not talking about a literal disconnect, not death.  But a spiritual one.
How I long to care only about Christ & His world.  The one He meant us to dwell in.
How spectacular it must feel to trade in the cares & longings of this world for the peace & understanding of His.

I find myself more content in my hammock on the front porch with only a cup of coffee & the sun warming my shoulders than anywhere else.
I enjoy silently digging into my garden with only the songs of the birds to keep me company.
I want nothing more than to melt away under the hot sun while pouring over pages of beautifully written novels or simply gazing into the greenness that is my backyard.
This earth is fading into the background.
The traffic, the night life, the clubs, the fast pace of the people, all of it is blurring behind me.

Come, Holy Spirit, come. Renew a steadfast spirit in me.
I feel you Lord. And I know you will ask much of me.
What You have started through me, You will see through to the end.
I will wait as patiently as I can & I will trust you.

For beauty's sake...

I have a love for beautiful things.
Beautiful scenery, architecture, clothes, artwork, jewels, faces, etc.
I love colors & patterns & sparkle & uniqueness.
I love a good sunrise, the way the light hits my front porch, the way the dew glistens on the lily's in my yard, the singing birds that make their homes in the trees.
I think traveling rain clouds are beautiful. Their rolling, purple billows & the way the trees bend & twist towards them.
I also love beautiful writing. Writing that can take me to a specific time & place. Writing that helps me see better than my own eyes could.
I love the writing of Donald Miller.
I just finished reading Through Painted Deserts by Miller & thought I would share some of the beautiful passages that spoke to me....
Words that say things I feel, but can't seem to say for myself.
Words that accentuate the beauty of this life we've been given.

The cosmos was just spinning around up there, as if to create beauty for beauty's sake, paying no attention to the frivolity of mankind. And I liked the cosmos.  I liked the cosmos very much.  It seemed that it understood something, perhaps, humanity did not understand. 

I needed God to be larger than our free-market economy, larger than our two-for-one coupons, larger than our religious ideas.

And it feels tonight, as if there is much to think about, there is much we have been given & much we have left behind.  The smell of freedom is as brisk as the air through the windows.  And there is a feeling that time itself has been curtained by darkness.

Everything is like a symphony, if you think about it. Birds are perfect, & crickets come out of the wet woods like a choir.  And this is another accident, I think to myself, that we have ears to hear, & that nature itself worked perfectly to calm the soul, & wind from a tornado has that perfect pitch of fear, that train rumble of death, & music, music as if it is an accident, may be one of the greatest miracles of them all, as beautiful as romance or color or the power of water.  All this silence is thick & buzzing & it takes some effort to break it.

Time moved quickly today. It passed like a whisper.  The hills have completely buried the sun.

Life is more than clothes & cars & a new flavor of toothpaste, that it is community & creation & beauty & humanity.

There is a serenity in life, after all, & once a withdrawal is felt at having left the lies behind, a soul begins to feel at home in it's own skin.

Thanking God for the beauty & for rest & thanking Him for something better to believe than commercials.

God made a whole beautiful earth & decided to put you in it, to experience all of this beauty.  You can't do that watching television all the time.

Song

Too many emotions to even put a finger on,
I can't explain the way you make me feel,
Like I'm so lost & broken down, but not alone & not forgotten.
You have this way of pointing out every where that I've gone wrong,
While at the same time letting me know that those things don't really matter.
You take them away, the regrets & the shame, & replace them with peace.
Who are You that can make this old life new?
Who are You that  can make me change?
Who are You that can make these blind eyes see?
Who are You that You would choose me?
You have this way of speaking the truth, even when I can't stand to hear it.
I can't ignore Your tugging at my soul or the way You make my heart swell up.
It's an impossible feeling of fearful joy that overcomes me when You are near
I am so undeserving but that hasn't stopped You from believing I'm someone worth knowing.
Who are You that can make this old life new?
Who are You that can make me change?
Who are You that can make these blind eyes see?
Who are You that You would love me?
Author of my story,
Lover of my soul,
Wrap tightly round me,
Never let me go.
No one else would choose me,
Or give me love like this,
Stay forever with me,
Or a real life I will miss.
Who are You that can make this old life new?
Who are You that can make me change?
Who are You that can make these blind eyes see?
who are You that You would choose me?
Who are You that You would love me?