It's a Heart Thing

"The heart of God is a heart that forgives, that cares, that reaches out & wants to heal.  In that heart there is no suspicion, no vindictiveness, no resentment and not a tinge of hatred." -Henri JM Nouwen

Well that sure hits the nail on the head.

I read that and it's kind of like a reality check.

Sometimes I think I have come so far, I have changed so much, I am doing things that I think please God, I am trying  to live my life for Him, and I may outwardly appear to have it all together.

But you get inside my heart and there are still some ugly scars.

There is most definitely some trash that needs taking out.

Is it possible for me to have such a heart?

I have been hurt by so many....I have hurt so many.

There is so much to forgive.

There is so much to heal. It's going to take quite a while.

I am so suspicious. I am so hesitant in friendships, relationships, life in general.

I am so afraid. To be hurt. To be made out to look like a fool. To lose people I love. 

There is certainly vindictiveness in my heart. My first instinct is to hurt someone as badly as they hurt me.

My relationship with my dad speaks to that.

He hurt me so I ignored him.

At first on purpose, then it just became inadvertent. 

We became strangers and that relationship still suffers.

Resentment? Oh I feel it. 

Hatred? I am trying so hard to abolish that emotion within myself.

Henri JM Nouwen is my favorite author...theologian...priest...?

He is all those things. I guess I could just say that he's one of my favorite people, even though I have not actually met him. I really enjoy reading his books!

This quote hit me in the gut.

I found it in the book In the Name of Jesus which is about Christian leadership. Great read!

It had such an impact on me because these are things I pray over on a consistent basis.

They are flaws of mine of which I am very aware.

And they are so sinful and so ugly.

I am ashamed that they are chained to me.

I want a heart like God's.

Can you imagine?

No hatred, no suspicion, no vindictiveness!

A heart that looks to forgive and heal!

Talk about freeing!

Holding grudges and resenting others hurts me more than it hurts others, so to have a heart that is free from all that...well it would be the most magnificent thing I could think of.

I want to be more gracious and loving. 

I want to be remembered as kind.

There are some people that will never know me as those things.  People who never saw the real me. People that I hurt and that hurt me.  Ties that have been broken that will never be fixed.

But I am not my past and I will not dwell in what was.

I know that Christ lives in me.

I know that I can have a heart like His.

I know that it will take time and effort on my part. 

But I know that He loves me and will carry me there.

I'm leaving you with a quote that Brooke shared in leadership one Wednesday night last year.  I printed it out and laminated it then put it on the mirror in our house because it gives me hope that I won't be my rotten self for forever!

"May you believe in God, but may you come to see that God believes in you.  May you have faith in Jesus, but may you come to see that Jesus has faith that you can be like Him.  A person of love and compassion and truth.  A person of forgiveness and peace and grace and joy and hope.  And may you be covered in the dust of your rabbi, Jesus."

That's the kind of person I aspire to be!

I Believe in a Thing Called Love

The most wonderful, happy thing happened last night.  My roommate, Katie, got engaged!!
Her boyfriend, now fiance, proposed to her in the middle of Tai food restaurant where they met up for dinner after about 2 months of not being together.
Does this sound crazy? YES!
Katie and Luke's story is pretty incredible (you can read more about it here).
It is definitely one straight out of the movies.
I kind of hate to say that, because movies aren't at all real, they tend to be cheesy, and they give false expectations.
But Katie's story is SO genuine and so unpredictable that it can't be anything but perfectly true.

The most beautiful thing about the whole situation is God's faithfulness.
Through her hurt and pain, Katie chose to trust in Him.
She didn't understand why she and Luke broke up and it hurt her beyond belief.
We're talking physical pain right now.
That pain that just sits in your gut, throbs, aches, and makes you want to cry and scream all at once, all day long.
But she got control of her emotions and handed the situation over to Christ, believing that His will and purpose will lead her into the life that she is meant to have.
She never stopped loving Luke, but she let go of the situation and put it in God's hands.
Little did she know that the man that broke her heart, was spending their time apart praying for guidance and trying to figure out how to win her back once and for all.
And he did.

Last night was one of the happiest nights of the lives of everyone involved.  To see Katie happy again, to see her smile, REALLY smile, and laugh, and cry, and jump was the most precious sight.
It was like she had been holding her breath for 8 weeks now, afraid of falling completely to pieces, and now she's alive again!!
God is so good.

If you know me at all, you will know that I am in no rush to get married.
My parents didn't exactly give me a reason to believe that marriage is worth it and I am still working on overcoming the "relationship roadblocks" that developed in the wake of their storms.
I am not obsessed with weddings or guys or all the fluffy, girly things that so many around here seem to dwell on and I am not always on the prowl for a boyfriend.
There are many people in my life who are in relationships that I just can't take seriously because it doesn't appear to me to be anything more than two people playing house, or two people making their lives work together to fit into this "Cleaver-esque" lifestyle.
So many people force relationships because they feel they are not worth anything unless they have a boyfriend.
So many people around here LIVE to get married. They seem to be under the impression that life doesn't even begin till you have a ring on your left hand and a mortgage to pay.
These relationships are formed by people with control issues, people who are used to getting everything they want, so they make their perfect, american dream, relationship happen.
To them, being married is a goal they must achieve
Just something else to mark off the 'to do' list.
Katie and Luke are NOT these people.
There is something so pure and genuine about the way they went about being in a relationship.

Those other people unrightfully pity me, because I'm not in a serious relationship.
It is unfathomable to them that there is happiness outside of one.
I cannot say enough that my future might be the only thing that I don't lose sleep over.
I have complete faith in the fact that if I give my life away for Christ to use for His purpose, that He will bless me with what he sees fit.
If I obey Him, if I dwell in Him, He isn't going to lead me astray.
I don't know if His plan for me includes a relationship, or marriage, or children, or TOMORROW!!
But I'm ok with that.
I have found contentment and happiness in Him.

I love what I do.
I love working with high school kids, I love watching Christ change their lives, I love being the one that gets to show them that there is a better life out there.
I don't mind dropping everything to hang out with them, infact I prefer to.
My relationships with my high school friends mean the world to me.
I want to give Christ my all, so that they can see and feel and experience His love.
The one love that is unconditional, never fails, and can complete us.
Agape love.
That is what is most important to me right now.

Maybe you think I sound bitter and jaded.
But you would be wrong.
I believe in love 100%.
I have experienced it.
I can hear it in the way Katie talks about Luke.
But because I have seen the "for worse" in a marriage (as couples often refer to in their vows), I know that marriage is nothing to be taken lightly.
If it happens for me, I want it to be because God placed someone into my life at the right time, we fell in love at the right time, and because we absolutely cannot imagine life without the other.
Not because I graduated college and thats the next step in life.

I do believe in true love.
I embrace it.
I want a story about crazy, mad love like Katie and Luke's.
I believe in fairytale endings and knights in shining armor.
But I also believe in letting Christ take the reigns and trusting Him with my future.

Congratulations Katie and Luke!
Your story is unique, inspiring, and strong,
I am proud of you both for stepping back from what you wanted to search for what the Lord wanted.
I'm SO glad he wanted you to be together too!
=)


PS: just to prove that I am romantic, check out this heart warming story that I read months ago and saved to my favorites page so that I can be reminded that "happily ever after" really does exist. The Yeager's Story and FYI it's definitely bittersweet.

"You have bewtiched me body & soul, and I love you" -Mr. Darcy, Pride & Prejudice the movie

No such thing as Alone

"In solitude I get rid of my scaffolding: no friends to talk with, no telephone calls to make, no meetings to attend, no music to entertain, no books to distract, just me -- naked, vulnerable, weak, sinful, deprived, broken -- nothing. It is this nothingness that I have to face in my solitude, a nothingness so dreadful that everything in me wants to run to my friends, my work, and my distractions so that I can forget my nothingness and make myself believe that I am worth something.  But that is not all.  As soon as I decide to stay in my solitude, confusing ideas, disturbing images, wild fantasies, and weird associations jump about in my mind like monkeys in a banana tree. Anger and greed begin to show their ugly faces. I give long hostile speeches to me enemies and dream lustful dreams in which I am wealthy, influential and very attractive-- or poor, ugly, and in need of immediate consolation.  Thus I try again to run from the dark abyss of my nothingness and restore my false self in all its vainglory. " Henri JM Nouwen, The Way of the Heart

Where do I start?

What do I say from here?

At our Young Life banquet last month, Scott told the audience that in a new survey conducted by MTV, young people admitted that the thing they were most afraid of in life is not losing their friends of parents, it's not Paranormal Activity 3, it's not Lady GaGa, the thing teens are afraid of most is being alone.

And I wanted to say "just teens?"

Are we not all terrified of being alone?

I think in this sense they meant it as, not having someone to turn to, not having any friends, never getting married, going through life alone.

But can't it mean, literally, the act of being by yourself.

Left alone with your real self.

No distractions, no background music, no nothing.

Just me and my thoughts.

Yikes.

When I was younger, maybe in middle school or so, I used to wake up in the middle of the night for no reason. I just would all of a sudden not be asleep anymore while everyone else in the house was tucked away in bed.

And it terrified me.

I would walk to my parents room to make sure my mom was still there. I would sit and read. I cleaned my room. I did anything to keep from being consumed by the darkness that only early morning hours brings.

Sometimes I had panic attacks thinking about how I was the ONLY one awake. 

I am the kind of person that likes to stay busy.
I love to be with people, go places, throw parties, have game night, basically anything that puts me around people.
But sometimes this is to my detriment.
I, like all those teens that were surveyed, am afraid of being alone.
And I am brave enough to say that I am afraid of what others will think of me if I am often alone.
They will tease me or worse, pity me, believing that it is not by choice, but because I have no friends, that I am alone.

Throughout college I never said no to an invite.
I almost always was up for doing something, ANYTHING, as long as I wasn't left alone.
I now look back on those times and diagnose myself as having a disease called FOMO, or the Fear Of Missing Out.
Being left alone was the scariest thing I could think of!
Who sits by themselves on a Friday night? Losers. Thats who.
Or at least I told myself that.
I think now I can admit that I was afraid.
I was terrified of being left alone with myself.
Because it is in these moments of solitude that Christ enters in and stirs up certain emotions and passions that complicate things.
He reminds me that I have a lot to work on and that this life isn't about me.
There is a bigger purpose.
When I am alone, He shows me the person He wants me to be as opposed to the person that I am.
I am reminded of my faults, of the things I so desperately need Him to save me from.
Things like anger, judgement, grudges, and resentment.

When I am left alone to face myself, things get real.
I don't like to confront my demons!
It's hard!
If I stay busy enough, if I am with other people, doing other things, I can pretend that I am ok!!
I can hide, I can cover up, I can keep living as though I have no issues.
But it is in these times of solitude that He sorts through my rottenness, my ugly, my embarrassing, my secrets, all the things that hold me back.

Not so long ago I would have dreaded being alone, but now I cherish these times.
Because it is in my solitude that I realize I am never truly alone.

For He is always with me.

"There in the vast stillness of desert solitude, we are gradually converted, unmade, and remade.  We become a fresh beginning. Wendy M. Wright

Why I Do What I Do

These are my friends Carrie & Taylor.

We had a sleepover at my house last night and, as most girls do these days, had a small photobooth photoshoot!

After which they introduced me to the video chat website Omegle.

I don't suggest it....

but the photobooth part was fun!

Peace

Peace.

It does not mean to be in a place where there is no noise, trouble, or hard work.

It means to be in the midst of all those things and still be calm in your heart.

-unknown

Just Call Me George Bailey

In case you didn't know, I'm somewhat of a movie buff.

I love to go to the movies or just watch them at home.

My taste in movies is wide, varied, and all my own.

And of course, being the dramatic person that I am, I get lost in movies the way that you can get lost in books.

It's just fun to imagine right?

My very favorite movie ever is the old black and white Christmas movie about a man named George Bailey called, It's a Wonderful Life.

You may have heard of it =)

George Bailey is a terrific guy who makes all kinds of sacrifices so that others can get ahead.

He puts his plans to travel the world on hold to run the family business when his father dies, he gives the money he saved up to his younger brother so he can go to college. Then, when it's time for his brother to come home and take over the business, turns out he has gotten married and is going to work for his father-in-law. So once again, old George gets nowhere.

George's passionate desire to get the heck out of Bedford Fall's is squelched time after time.

Within the time constraints of the film, poor George never goes outside town limits.

But of course, as you know if you've seen this movie, George's call in life was to be in Bedford Falls. That's where he really made an impact whether he knew it or not.

He was right where he was supposed to be all along.

Lately I have been thinking and praying a lot about my future. I'm kind of living on a whim right now. Doing this year to year thing, living paycheck to paycheck, and loving it!

I'm a part-time Young Life employee only because I needed a year to decide if that's really what I wanted to do.

But I feel as if God is thinking "You just THOUGHT you needed a year, I KNEW what I wanted you to do all along."

So now comes the time where I choose to stay or go.

Stay in East Tenneessee....where I have spent my entire life, where my family is, where I can sometimes feel trapped and lonely, or, go somewhere, anywhere, a place I have never been,

somewhere no one knows me or my family, somewhere fresh and new and exciting.

But I think my heart is here.

Here with the kids that I have grown to love so very much over the past 5 years.

Here in the town that has more darkness than light.

In a place that holds so many happy memories and so many I would like to forget.

My place is here. Beside the middle schoolers I have just begun to build relationships with. It's with my high school friends who have changed my life when I was supposed to be helping change theirs. It's with the people here that have taught me what it is like to love Christ and love young people.

Sometimes I have this overwhelming desire to travel, see the world, take trips to exotic places, have adventures with crazy, beautiful people.

I think this has always been a part of who I am.

But, I also think this desire is semi-fueled by Steven, who lives in California, and does an obscene amount of cool things. I find myself comparing our lives and me thinking "I NEED TO DO SUCH AWESOME THINGS!!!"

But I think maybe I already am doing awesome things.

I mean, I'm not scaling mountains, or surfing up and down the coast, or camping out in the grand canyon, but I am doing Christ's work. Or at least making my best attempt to.

My town is the kind of town everyone wants to get out of, so if my call is to stay

here and love this community....I think that's pretty obvious it's what I have to do.

So I guess you can start calling me George Bailey.

Facebook Free

List of reasons I will no longer be on Facebook:

1. Facebook is fake. As my roommate Amy put it, "Facebook isn't even real. People only display the best parts about themselves." Good word Amy! This statement couldn't be any truer. And I am not leaving myself out of this. Most of us don't leave any unflattering picture untagged, we judge our statuses by how many people liked them, we post what the people want to see. There is little truth to Facebook. I am NOT my Facebook, trust me. The skeletons in my closet are still safely tucked away in the closet, not on display for all to see on the internet. And my skeletons aren't even scary, imagine all the people using Facebook who really do have things to hide!

2. I'd rather talk to you in person. If you really want to know what kind of person I am, don't read my info page on Facebook, pick up the phone and talk to me! We all make snap judgments based on the little information that we see on someone's page or even have a skewed idea of compatibility with someone because we both like 'John Mayer' in our music section. I value real relationships. The friendships that are worthwhile do not thrive because of Facebook, but because we spend quality time together. Basically 3/4 of my friends on Facebook are people that have nothing to do with my life on a daily basis anymore.

3. Boys are creepers. I'm tired of boys using Facebook as a way to hit on me. I didn't reply to your first message and I'm not replying to the 13th one either.

4. I don't care. There are some things that happen in life that should not be shared with the world. It depresses me to read all the ignorant things being shared through Facebook. I also hate to see things on my news feed about people that hurt me in the past. I'm woman enough to admit that some things still get to me and I'd rather not be reminded of bad situations.

5. I can do better things with my time. I don't feel as if I was addicted to Facebook, but once I got on, I was totally lost down the rabbit hole. I want to do better things with my life. I used to read all the time, I want to do that again! I want to learn how to play the guitar, how to be a great cook, I want to paint more, to be outside as much as possible, and to work on those worthwhile relationships I mentioned earlier.

So those are my top 5 reasons for deleting my Facebook.

I'm not judging people that keep one, not at all.

It just wasn't healthy for me personally.

Just some extra information: Last year I conducted my senior research project on Cyberbullying. Many of the articles I used in my paper pointed to Facebook as a primary means of internet bullying. I'll never forget reading that Cyberbullying can be more dangerous than physical bullying because of the content kids fill their Facebook with. As I said earlier, we all display our best qualities on Facebook. When kids are bullied online, when they are rejected, teased, made to look like a fool, or harassed online, it is doubly hurtful because they have put on display the things that are most important to them. Online, kids are being rejected for who they really are, as opposed to being bullied at school where, lets be honest, no one is ever completely themselves. This is why I hate to see so many young children on the Facebook network.

I'm not trying to say that Facebook is evil, just that maybe it shouldn't be taken so lightly.

How Great Thou Art

Every time I watch this, I end up with tears running down my cheeks & goosebumps up and down my arms.

Even if you don't like country music, you'll like this.

I wish I could sing this song like she does.

Maybe this is how God hears me sing it anyway.

After all, it's the meaning and the heart behind it that count.

I hope to find myself in awesome wonder more often than not.

You could call me obsessed