Free Indeed.

Being loved by Christ has set me free.
Free from:

...trying to earn love from others.
 ...believing the lie that I am not & never will be, deserving of love.
 ...pleasing those whose opinions matter terribly to me.
 ...the guilt of not living up to my own absurdly high expectations of myself.
 ...following all the rules.
 ...settling for a conventional, secure lifestyle.
 ...things. More and better and more and better and more and better, things.
 ...believing that I am what I weight.
 ...looking at myself in the mirror and NEVER loving what looked back at me.
 ...letting others tell me who I am.
 ...hardening my heart to those who have hurt me.
...following the crowd.
...the myth that perfection is achievable and worth aiming for.
...I must always be doing something.
...that I must change before being worthy of Grace.
...the fear of being alone.
...the desire to be the best at all costs.
...fear of the unknown.
...control.
...shame of past mistakes.
...envy & comparison.
...the weight of living in this world.
...darkness.
...my past, my present, my future sin
...the law
...anxiety about literally everything
...a hurried attitude
...pride in good works
...and a host of other things

Whenever these things creep into my soul & attempt to paralyze me or change me back into the old me, I wrangle the lies down & force my eyes to the truths offered to me in the Word.
Christ set me free & the shackles of Earth & sin bind me no more.

My Man

I come to find a refuge in the

Easy silence that you make for me 

It's okay when there's nothing more to say to me 

& the peaceful quiet you create for me 

& the way you keep the world at bay for me

A Divine Encounter at Calvary

Sometimes, because I am a follower of Jesus, I walk right into strange encounters.
Maybe you do too.
And maybe they aren't so much strange as divine.

I had one of these divine encounters on Sunday.
After recently moving away, Matthew and I were visiting the church my parents go to in Knoxville.
We LOVE this church and even though we don't live there anymore, I listen to Dan's sermons through podcasts because no one preaches like he does.
Matthew pointed out that it's not even like preaching.
Every Sunday is like a personal conversation between me & Dan.
I love this church for many reasons, but mostly because they love their community.
There is a pretty large group of special needs adults that the church cares for.
My parents recently accompanied them to a Smokies baseball game and quickly made friends with a few of these men.
My dad is legally blind and doesn't drive so he hit it off with another guy who doesn't drive but figured out that my mom does and spent the whole  game trying to convince her to drive them to Dollywood! I could definitely be friends with this guy!
Anyways, I digress.

So Sunday, after being gone for 3 weeks, Matthew and I showed up earlier than usual for church at Calvary.
As we walked into the sanctuary, one of these sweet special needs guys handed me the day's brochure.
I noticed he had left a scrap of paper in it and pulled it out, "Oh wait! You left your notes in this one!" I said as I handed it back to him.
"Oh no,"' he told me closing my hand around the note and holding on for a moment, "this is for you. In case you are having a bad day and need to make it better. Or in case you need to pray for a hard time in your family."
The paper was a list of verses from Isaiah.

I was silenced.
How could he possibly know there were hard things going on in my family?
How could he possibly know the last few weeks at my new job had been beyond challenging?
How could he possibly know I was holding on by a thread?

I thanked him enthusiastically and walked, stunned, to the pew where Matthew was waiting.

Here are the verses that he gave me.

The grass withers & the flowers fall, but the Word of our God endures forever. Isaiah 40:8

We all like sheep, have gone astray, each of us has turned to our own way; & the Lord has laid on him the iniquity of us all. Isaiah 53:6

In that day you will say: "I will praise you, Lord. Although you were angry with me, your anger has turned away & you have comforted me". Isaiah 12:1

The Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me, because the Lord has anointed me to proclaim good news to the poor. He has sent me to bind up the broken hearted, to proclaim freedom for the captives." Isaiah 61:1

The Spirit of the Lord will rest on him -- the Spirit of wisdom & of understanding, the Spirit of counsel & of might, the Spirit of the knowledge & fear of the Lord. Isaiah 11:2

A sweet encounter, divinely arranged by my Jesus.

A Prayer For Grace-Morgan Harper Nichols

If I could make just one request,

I would mark all the days I had left

I'd rather not be known for treasures and fame or trophies I know will fade

Instead I would rather be known,

by the kindness and love that I've shown

to be known for patience and long suffering, 

a giver of life by the words that I speak

So with every breath You give to breathe

I pray it's Your glory that they see

and of all the words this world could say

may they say I was full of grace

I'll be the first to confess

I'm not always found at my best,

but Lord be my strength in those moments I'm weak,

and I'll keep on giving the grace I've received

So with every breath You give to breathe

I pray it's Your glory that they see

and of all the words this world could say

may they say I am full of grace

And finally when I see your face

and I've reached the end of my race

I don't want to be known for finishing strong,

but as someone that your grace carried all along

So with every breath You give to breathe

I pray it's Your glory that they see

and of all the words this world could say

may they say I was full of grace

{Grace only sticks to our imperfections}

Oh Jesus, may grace reign over me.

May I live it and breathe it.

May I never take your grace for granted.

Without it, I am nothing.

Grace for my soul, 

today, tomorrow, forever.

I obviously need help!

Romans 7:14-25

14-16 I can anticipate the response that is coming: “I know that all God’s commands are spiritual, but I’m not. Isn’t this also your experience?” Yes. I’m full of myself—after all, I’ve spent a long time in sin’s prison. What I don’t understand about myself is that I decide one way, but then I act another, doing things I absolutely despise. So if I can’t be trusted to figure out what is best for myself and then do it, it becomes obvious that God’s command is necessary.

17-20 But I need something more! For if I know the law but still can’t keep it, and if the power of sin within me keeps sabotaging my best intentions, I obviously need help! I realize that I don’t have what it takes. I can will it, but I can’t do it. I decide to do good, but I don’t really do it; I decide not to do bad, but then I do it anyway. My decisions, such as they are, don’t result in actions. Something has gone wrong deep within me and gets the better of me every time.

21-23 It happens so regularly that it’s predictable. The moment I decide to do good, sin is there to trip me up. I truly delight in God’s commands, but it’s pretty obvious that not all of me joins in that delight. Parts of me covertly rebel, and just when I least expect it, they take charge.

24 I’ve tried everything and nothing helps. I’m at the end of my rope. Is there no one who can do anything for me? Isn’t that the real question?

25 The answer, thank God, is that Jesus Christ can and does. He acted to set things right in this life of contradictions where I want to serve God with all my heart and mind, but am pulled by the influence of sin to do something totally different.


Yikes.

My heart has been heavy lately due to conversations with friends who are making not-so-smart life choices.
Mostly young people who are where I was just a few years ago.
Chained to the "college life" filling up their God shaped hole with anything and everything else.
I vented about this to a friend last night and have felt so convicted about my words ever since.

Have I forgotten how to love people?
Have I forgotten how to be a leader or a follower of Christ?
Have I started believing that my friends souls are up to ME to save?

Again, YIKES.

It's been almost a year since I stopped being involved in YL and I seem to have turned into a Pharisee.
I've always been bent towards perfection and earning God's love, but Jesus really changed that about me.
I guess being out of direct ministry has caused me to slip back into that world.
Well that and living at home where judgement readily resides.

Last night, my friend looked earnestly at me and took in everything I said because she too is carrying around the weight of loving these friends.
But I think I lead her in the wrong direction (probably not for the first time, because I too am a broken human).
I think I was whiny and little.
I poured out my heart about my friends who are making destructive choices without ever saying "just run to Jesus. Stop trying to be better and just run into His open arms".

WE CAN'T BE BETTER.
We have sin!
We have a disease that is incurable apart from Christ.
I can't fix you, you can't fix you, only Jesus can!
Which, honestly, should lift an enormous weight off our shoulders.
He did the hard part (perfect human/crucifixion/separation from God).
We simply have to offer him out hearts and then...nope, no "and thens".

Something good did happen last night.
Thanks to grace we walked away with one redeeming idea.
We set reminders on our phones to go off at the same time each morning to remind us to take our heavy hearts to Jesus and ask him to free our friends and free ourselves.

I am running this race.
I'm running it hard.
But, I obviously need help

{Enter Jesus}

To Live is to Love

Y'all, my phone does something so awesome.
Yes, iPhones do LOTS of awesome things, but this may be my favorite thing it does.

Sometimes when I intend to type the word "live" my phone auto-corrects the word to "love" and vice versa.
If I don't catch it before hitting send, I end up with phrases like this:

Tell me where you love.

Where are you going to love next year at school?

I live you!

You love so far away!!

How long have you loved there?

I found a place to love!

And I could go on. But you get the gist, life is an opportunity to love.
No matter where you call home, you get to love people and be loved.

Jesus would agree on this point.
In fact, Jesus said that if you follow all his commandments but don't love others, then you're faith is no good.
Because that's the point of all this.
This thing called life that is.
To Christ, and apparently my iPhone, to live and to love are one in the same!

Think about the people that you love the deepest. You live them too don't do?
Your heart and soul share in their joys, sorrows, celebrations, and defeat.
You pray over them, pour into them, and give more than you have.
My phone is right.
I live the people that I love.

Love.

It's a pretty word that conjures up happy thoughts.
My mind goes to fields of flowers and sunshine, running through the openness towards a mighty mountain. Matthew is there with me all smiley and, as Usher would say, "caught up" in the beauty of love.
I think of my parents who loved me and Daniel so sacrificially.
And I think of the McMinn's who have so intertwined the words live and love that they have absolutely been welded into one powerful word.
But, most importantly, love to me is the image of Christ on the cross, bleeding and suffering for me, and of the veil in the temple splitting from top to bottom signifying that we are no longer separate from the God who created us.

To live is not to judge or condemn or gossip or slander.
To live is not to abandon or tear down or exclude or abuse.

To live is to love.

Compadres

Matthew bought me tickets to the Tour de Compadres concert in Knoxville for my birthday (which is in March) & last night it finally happened!
Matthew & I, along with a couple thousand other fans, were treated to one spectacular show.
There are few things that made last night awesome beyond words:

1. My man gave me a present that was meaningful and so intentional. He loves me and he knows me. Live music is one of my favorite things about life and even though he isn't a huge fan of crowds/isn't super familiar with these bands other than DH&tN, he knew it would make me ecstatically happy so he bought us tickets and took me! On a WEEK NIGHT! And we stayed up past 10! Which is not something we do cause we have jobs that require us to be up at 5am. We are making memories and strengthening the foundation of our relationship and that's beautiful.

2. I kept running into friends that I haven't seen for weeks, or months or even years! How cool is that?! It's so awesome that music creates community like that. It blows my mind and warms my heart to share experiences like that with others. It makes the world seem smaller and makes people seem more united. Music is such a powerful force y'all. I can't stop scrolling through the #TourdeCompares pics on Instagram!! So much joy and fun and faces of people I love!

3. Finally! I got to see Drew Holcomb & the Neighbors play live! How I've never been at YL camp while they are there astounds me. I was sad that Ellie wasn't with them on this tour stop, but it was still great. I hope they continue to grow and get to headline their own tour one day!

4. NEEDTOBREATHE is the shit. Sorry to put it that way, but damn. What a show!!! Matthew asked me what their music was like and I couldn't really nail it down except to say "It's like the Avett Bros meets KOL meets the Black Keys". Afterwards, he told me that was a pretty good description. I have always loved their music and now that I've heard them live, I love them even more. It took 30 minutes to reset the stage between Ben Rector and NEEDTOBREATHE. We were a little frustrated, but then it all made sense. They rocked it. Such energy and enthusiasm. I was shocked and thrilled. I could have stayed till the wee hours of the morning.

5. I doubt I'm the only Christian who detests most Christian music. It falls short in so many ways. Some is great, but most is cheesy or un-relatable, or just misses the mark even with the best intentions. But NEEDTOBREATHE has created an genre that people who really love music and really love Jesus have longed after for some time. Soulful lyrics that are relate-able and honest make their songs so heavy, so meaningful. They rocked the house last night, but they also led us in worship. Y'all we worshiped, all 2,000+ of us. With a rock band. I hope we worship like that in heaven for at least 1,000 years. It was breathtaking.


Last night was just a really good night for my soul. I need more encounters like that.

Power to Redeem by Lauren Daigle

You take what is

And you make it beautiful

When love floods in,

We're resorted forever more

With breath that brings the dead to life,

With words that pierce the dark with light

Only by the blood are we set free.

With mercy strong to carry shame

and nail it to a tree You alone

hold the power to redeem.

No guilt competes

with innocence crucified.

No grave can hold what your grace has justified.

With breath that brings the dead to life,

With words that pierce the dark with light

Only by the blood are we set free.

With mercy strong to carry shame

and nail it to a tree You alone

hold the power to redeem.

Rejoice oh child of God

Lift your eyes to see

With every morning light,

Again we are redeemed

With breath it brings the dead to life,

With words that pierce the dark with light

Only by the blood are we set free.

With mercy strong to carry shame

and nail it to a tree You alone

hold the power to redeem.

Oh you alone, hold the power to redeem

My Katie, My Bright Hope

Meet Katie. 

She is my GREAT friend.

In his book, Love Does, Bob Goff says, 

"Being engaged is a way of doing life, a way of living and loving. It's about going to extremes and expressing the bright hope that life offers us, a hope that makes us brave and expels darkness with light. That's what I want my life to be all about - full of abandon, whimsy, and in love.” 

He must have met Katie.

Look at that face! That smile alone expresses the bright hope that life offers.

Want to know what's so beautiful about Katie?

That bright hope radiates off Katie at every moment of every day.

Even the not so happy days.

I've been with her through some of those but even through tears her soul cries Jesus.

Katie helps me be brave.

Whether it's hiking to the tops of waterfalls or facing my scarier soul fears, Katie is there to say "You're doing great Ann."

Oh yeh, Katie calls me Ann. It's my real name, yes, but I don't let just anyone use it.

I've always thought it was plain and dull, but it's a term of endearment coming from her.

She calls me Ann and I hear "I know you. And I love you. Just as you are". 

Which is what Jesus whispers to us when we are still enough to actually listen.

Katie spends every day expelling darkness in the world.

Not just in my life or our friends lives, but in the lives of high school kids in Loudon Co.

She's on YL staff and she's kicking ass.

Katie's spirit is magnetic.

Anyone who is that brave, that joyful, that confident in herself and Jesus, can't help it!

People just want to be around her. 

I sure do.

She doesn't even have to try.

She just wakes up and loves Jesus.

And he has made her who she is.

Katie and I want to be like 3 people: Jesus, Brooke McMinn, and Tammy Taylor (from FNL).

We figure that if we can be like those 3 people, we can conquer anything (while having fabulous hair).

But the other day, I was having coffee with a friend and while we talked about life and what she maybe should do with hers I said "I think you should be like Katie Clift. I think you should be bold and brave and bright, like Katie."

I spent the weekend having an adventure with Katie and knew that I wanted to write about her here. 

At first, I just wanted to write about our hike this weekend and how bad ass we felt when we climbed to the top of the waterfall and had the world to ourselves for a few glorious moments.

But then, as I browsed Facebook for the perfect waterfall photo, I kept noticing how many of life's BIG moments I had shared with Katie.

SO MANY ADVENTURES.

And y'all, there aren't pictures of the spirit adventures we've held each other's hand through.

There aren't pictures of the tears or broken hearts or the late night phone calls.

Katie has LIVED with me and she has helped me to truly live.

I am so lucky.

I don't have to prove any of this to you, but here are some pictures of our adventures, friendship, and love. 

And from our hike this weekend:

PS: Katie is currently single (a quite mysterious phenomenon), so boys...think long and hard about if you've got what it takes to do life with this girl. You are probably not as awesome as she is.

BeautyFULL

I’m just filling up with beauty- because I want to be beautiful. -Glennon Doyle Melton (original article here)

Things I try to do to create, appreciate, & share beauty:

Long walks at twilight

Share uplifting song lyrics

Have lots of coffee & long conversations with friends

Give things away

Sing loudly

Open up windows

Close my eyes & turn my face towards the sun

Paint words & pictures & colors

Cook for my friends

Send letters to people I love

Do chores without being asked

Smile at strangers

Support YL

Take photos

Cry

Sit in the yard with my toes in the grass

Read in the rocking chair on the porch

Snap pictures of the sunrise on my way to work

Play with Matthews hair while he drives

Concentrate on people's faces when they are doing something they love. Or something they don't love.

Buy local products

Give encouragement consistently

Play music throughout the whole house

Talk about Jesus

Go hiking in the Smokies

Attend craft shows

Hold hands

Make good eye contact

Ask questions about my loved ones hearts

Say I LOVE YOU all the time

Take deep breaths

Thank God every time something catches my eye

Notice the little things

Pray

Worship on my knees

Practice grace

Practice forgiveness

Pay for dinner with an old friend

Tip big

Listen well

Live intentionally

Keep my mouth shut when I'd rather gossip about co-workers

Play with the cat

Entertain little ones

Serve

Attend church

Light candles

Prepare fancy recipes

Leave notes in Matthew's suitcase when he goes on trips, for my mom when she isn't awake before I leave for work, and for co-workers when they are having a rough day.

Initiate get togethers

Plant flowers

Dance

Soak up the rain

Shop Antiques

To Kara & Brooke, on relationships

I am posting this letter that I wrote to 2 friends during the summer of 2014 without their knowledge, but I don't think they will mind...

_____________________________________________

Dear friends,

I took your question very seriously. I wanted to share some truths with you. Ideas that I 100% believe. Even if, heaven forbid, Matthew isn't "the one" for me, these words will still ring true in my life. I am bu NO means a love guru, but I have spent 25 years on this planet & a long time trying to figure out when & how loving a man would fit into my story. Hope you find this to be encouraging.

Know that you are deeply loved by me.

Be in Love with Christ First.

Passionately. Wholeheartedly.

And let Him love you!

Spend time together. 

Talk. Pray. Cry. Be all in that relationship.

I can't specifically tell you how to do this because it is between you & Him.

Stop trying to figure out your life & be in love with Jesus.

God is love.

How will you know how to love if you have not experienced love in its purest form?

So that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:17-19

But grow in the grace and knowledge of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. 2 Peter 3:18

Embrace Confidence

There is a huge difference between faking confidence & actually being confident.

Is there a time in your life when you have felt like you are the best version of yourself? Why?

How did you become her?

Be her every day.

Guys, whether they understand it or not, know the difference between real confidence & the mask of confidence.

REAL MEN want a REAL WOMAN.

Be the woman God created you to be.

Then you will always feel like Beyoncé, better yet, you will always feel like {insert your name here}!

And some day, some man won't be able to help himself.

Before I formed you in the womb I knew you, And before you were born I consecrated you. Jeremiah 1:5

Practice Selflessness

You're off to a great start by serving at YL camp this summer.

Let’s make a plan of how you can practice putting others first post camp.

Being in a relationship has taught me that sacrificing for the good of the one you love is the best way to love them and 100% necessary for the relationship to succeed.

Start doing things you'd rather not do.

((Apply this to any & all relationships, friends & family too))

Therefore if there is any encouragement in Christ, if there is any consolation of love, if there is any fellowship of the Spirit, if any affection and compassion, make my joy complete by being of the same mind, maintaining the same love, united in spirit, intent on one purpose Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves; do not merely look out for your own personal interests, but also for the interests of others. Philippians 2:1-4

Experience Life on God's Terms

Would you & I be the good friends we are today if I had hurried my life along & pushed my way into relationships when it wasn't the right time?

I can absolutely tell you NO.

Now that I am in a relationship, I am better aware of the time & energy it takes to sustain one.

I've said it before & will say it again, being your YL leader was the biggest blessing of my life! 

So what should you be doing with your time?

You aren't in a relationship, so ask God how he wants to use you right now ((always ask Him this in all life stages)).

Giving your life away is the best way to live.

Seek His purpose. Trust His plan.

Faithful is He who calls you. 1 Thessalonians 5:24

Do the Next Right Thing

Making the right choices is a continual process. And a challenge.

Believe me, I know.

If you're gut is uneasy, don't do that thing!

Say no to the date if he is a questionable guy.

Stay in. Don't go to the party ((less temptations)).

Keep your clothes on.

Do the right thing, then do it again, and again.

And when you do the wrong thing, talk to God about it, tell the guilt to get lost, then do the next right thing!

Work on doing what is right while you are single so you'll be more prepared to do the right thing when you are taken.

He leads the humble in justice, And He teaches the humble His way. All the paths of the LORD are loving kindness and truth to those who keep His covenant and His testimonies. Psalms 25:9-10

Conversations with Teammates

Do you ever get nervous about meeting up with a good friend? Someone who has lived many seasons of life with you, someone who knows you at your worst and your best, a friend who makes eye contact so fierce and so consistent you are equal amounts of comfortable and uncomfortable.

I do. I get nervous to meet these kinds of friends for coffee because I can't hide behind a sweet smile or blow past tough questions. These kinds of friends see past my facade and right into my soul.
No joke.

So sometimes I dread lunch or coffee dates with these friends. At work, I can stay secluded or make small talk, always keeping people at a safe distance. But not with these deep spirited friends.

Today I sat at a wobbly table in the Ingles deli with my friend Brooke. Brooke and I have been friends for 8+ years. She is on YL staff in the area and we used to work together. This is a lady that knows me. I can't hide things from her nor do I truly want to. It's just that she challenges me and brings truth that isn't always comfortable.

Brooke doesn't beat around the bush. We were still standing around the Starbucks kiosk when she started bringing the hard hitting questions. It took everything in me to keep my eyes from welling up and letting out tears that were gathering. I will not cry in the grocery store I told myself.

I hope if you have never been loved like this that you will be. I hope that you have friends who have hard conversations with you, friends who are for you, friends who point you towards Jesus. Brooke is this friend.

Why did I tear up? This is a season of life that is what I like to call a whirlwind in slow motion. Nothing is certain, plans are up in the air, I am not as settled as I would like to be, I have a job but not really a career, and I am trying to give the non existent control I think I posses over my life back to Christ. And gosh time is just moving so slowly. Oh and I am in love with a boy whose life is also in slow motion whirlwind mode. He is in love with me too and we are trying to figure out life together.
Brooke always wants to know whats really going on in my heart and in order to have constructive conversation with her, I have to face the whirlwind. And I so want to have good conversation with her.

I really love and respect Brooke, I love our conversations too. No one says the things she does or gives the kind of advice she can. She sheds infinite amounts of light on things that seem really dark to me and she helps me shake off chains that I am unnecessarily bound by. Boy does she help me feel free.

So what are the magic words that Brooke speaks to me? She affirms me by reminding me who I am which is a strong woman of the Lord. I forget that sometimes and that gets me down, but she tells me that really I am just humble. She also stated that I am a woman that isn't afraid to say yes to God. All I could think was Me? Really? Are you sure?

I learned from Brooke that it's helpful to communicate with people what they are capable of. If you tell someone what you believe them to be, they begin to believe it about themselves. If someone tells you "You're great at bowling" you're going to do it every weekend because you believe it's true. It they tell you "You are good at singing" you're inclined to sing louder and more often. And if someone tells you "You are a strong woman of God" you are going to act like it.

This is why I love Brooke. She knows me. She knows how to encourage me. She knows whats best for me and she is on my team.

Who is on your team?