The Valley of Vision

Lord, High & Holy, Meek & Lowly,
Thou hast brought me to the valley of vision, where I live in the depths but see thee in the heights;
     hemmed in by mountains of sin I behold thy glory.
Let me learn by paradox
     that the way down is the way up
     that to be low is to be high,
     that the broken heart is the healed heart,
     that the contrite spirit is the rejoicing spirit,
     that the repenting soul is the victorious soul,
     that to have nothing is to possess all,
     that to bear the cross is to wear the crown,
     that to give is to receive,
     that the valley is the place of vision.
Lord, in the daytime stars can be seen from the deepest wells.  And the deeper the wells the brighter
     they stars shine;
Let me find thy light in my darkness,
     thy life in my death,
     thy joy in my sorrow,
     thy grace in my sin,
     thy riches in my poverty,
     thy glory in my valley.

-Arthur Bennett

2013

Life feels more beautiful these days.
It's the dead of winter & I'm saying life is beautiful.
Who am I?

But it is!
In bittersweet ways & in miraculous ways.
When I stop to think about what kind of state I was in this time last year, I cringe.
What a wreck!
But now, I am resting in a pretty peaceful place.

I can only assume however, that this time of resting is only here because life is shortly going to be turned upside down again.
Not in bad way, but just in a "time for big changes" way.

A lot of things are coming to an end.
My high school friends will graduate from East.
My college friends will graduate (you can do it Jill!) in May.
Hannah Patty is getting married (which is really a start, but the end of her living with me).
And I think my time in Jeff City is also coming to a close.

I sit in my room in the mornings with my coffee, my journal, my bible, & I rest.
I sit with Christ & listen.
I watch the sun light up my room & the birds begin their day.
I am quiet & He meets me here.

I have felt for a very long time now, that after having reached the top of my mountain I am supposed to leap off it!
But I couldn't!
I stared into the unknown with fear & uncertainty.
It was too risky.
But I'm not afraid anymore.
I'm not scared or sad or lonely or hurt.
I am bold & I am brave & I am me again.

Deo Volente

Now listen, you who say "Today or tomorrow we will go to this city, spend a year there, carry on business & make money" why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow! What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while then vanishes.  Instead, you ought to say "If it is the Lord's will, we will live & do this or that".  James 4:13-15

Deo Volente or "God willing" might just be my first tattoo.
But probably not. Still working on that whole commitment thing.
Ok seriously though, I am such a fool! *smh*
Thinking that my future is in my control...oh Annie...
It says right there in James that it's even the Lord's will that I live today!
yikes.
Good thing he isn't holding yesterday against me.

I worry like it's my job, hold onto anxiety like it's a soft, cuddly blanket, & I let fear of the future get me in one of those half-nelson holds (thats a thing right?)
And that's no way to live. Trust me.
Whenever my life has been a wreck or my circumstances seem overwhelming, it's because I took myself there.
It's because I told God, "Move over buddy, I can drive this vehicle" (right off a cliff I can drive it).
When life is messy, it's because of me.
When life is beautiful & clear it is because of him.
Therefore, his will > my will.

Which is why I need Deo Volente tattooed somewhere that I will always see it.
Apparently I need to be reminded of this on a daily basis or I start drowning in anxiety.
He's got this! Why would I hold on when he will do it for me? That's absurd!
God willing, I will live a long & happy life.
Doing what, I have no idea. And that's ok.
Today I am thankful he willed me to wake up, eat a bagel, drink some coffee, read his word, & type a funny blog entry.
Hope tomorrow goes just as well.

THE END

Listen

I'm so busy listening to what other people say about me or the things I think about myself, that I have forgotten how to listen for the Lord.

His voice should drown out all others. His words ringing clear. They are life-giving words.

What he says about me is the only truth. 

Christmas: The Best Defense to Satan's Offense

I've made a major life decision.

Growing up, Christmas season didn't begin until the day after Thanksgiving.
It was all I knew. Tradition.
I have been a follower of this reasoning until this year.
Until two days ago actually.
But then, I decided that starting Christmas season before Thanksgiving didn't slight turkey day in the least!
In fact, now, the holiday is included in my most favorite kind of season! Christmas season!

I decided to go ahead & begin listening to Christmas music, to buy some presents, plan a few parties, put up decorations earlier this year all because it is something that brings great joy into my life.
These days it gets dark outside by 6pm (which is super depressing) & I'm not going to find myself in the same dark place (literally & figuratively) as last year.
It's going to be a happy winter for me & I don't know a better way to kick it off than by stirring up a little Christmas spirit!

After all, Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Christ.
Christ who saves me daily from the filthy pit of my own mind.
Who gives me the strength to battle Satan & the deteriorating thoughts he fills my head with every day.
By embracing Christ, his birth, his life, his death, how will I have time to buy into the lies that Satan is forever whispering in my ear?
I won't!

This fight for my peace of mind, for my sanity, for my happiness is really a battle for my life.
In her book "Battlefield of the Mind" Joyce Meyer says this about Satan's war tactics:
     Satan begins by bombarding out minds with cleverly devised patterns of irritation, dissatisfaction, doubts, fears, & reasonings.  He moves slowly & cautiously (after all, well-laid plans take time).  he is never in a hurry to inject unholy, self-centered thoughts into our heads.  If we don't kick them out, they stay.  and Satan can continue his evil destructive plan.

I'm not letting him own my mind anymore.
I'm fighting back.
And my first move is to bring Christmas around early this year.
No one can be full of anxiety or worry while listening to the N*Sync Christmas album!
Plus, Charles Dickens says to keep Christmas in your heart all the year.
Who I am to argue with Dickens?!

Tis so Sweet

Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus,
Just to take him at his word
Just to rest upon his promise,
And to know "Thus saith the Lord"!


I'm not the girl with the plan.
Definitely not one of those 5 year plans.
No savings plan.
Not even plans for today yet.
Things happen as life flows along.
And he leads me.
Always leads me.
So while the people with plans scold me & worry for me, I rest in his promise.
He will never leave or forsake me.
He will light my path.
His plan is greater than any I could ever come up with.
So I trust him.
And that is truly so sweet.

Windy Gap-2012

The campaign slogan for Young Life camp is pretty simple.
"THE BEST WEEK OF YOUR LIFE OR YOUR MONEY BACK"
It's what we tell kids, it's what is written on their flyers & on the Facebook page. We tweet it over & over again.
"THE BEST WEEK OF YOUR LIFE"
And no one that I'm aware of has ever asked for their money back!

I went on one of these trips as an upcoming high school senior & my life did change.
Since then, I have been on too many week long & weekend camp trips to count.
But this past weekend, this one trumped them all.
*cue watery eyes*

I have been friends with some girls ever since the first week of their freshman year.
Four years have flown by & I didn't really know if anyone got it.
Maybe a couple, but not completely.
I thought maybe I had been doing something wrong.
That I had been too much of a friend & not enough of a messenger.
Perhaps they hadn't taken me seriously or didn't want anything at all to do with Christ.
Sometimes they seemed so distant that I gave up hope.
But my Lord prevailed.
Boy did he show me.

Hannah, my partner leader, & I prayed so hard for this weekend as it would be our last with these girls.
We knew it would be emotional for them here at the end, but we were not prepared for what happened.
The outpouring of love, the honesty, the open hearts, the questions, the real feelings...the sweet thank yous...
My life is complete.
I walked away from this weekend knowing that I could die happy.

My friends were listening!
They had been listening all along!
They know us a believers & they see the difference & they want Jesus in their lives.

I'm so sorry if it sounds like I am celebrating myself.
I am not in my heart at all.
I am celebrating the fact that Christ is true.
That he has never let me down.
That he has been with me through all the tough things over the last 5  years & that his plan for me really is what is best.
The lives that I thought were unreachable have been completely changed & it is all thanks to him.

Sometimes people that don't understand a lot about Young Life ask me if I am seeing "results".
I hate that question.
We aren't going around polling kids as to what their heart feels like.
There is no ruler on which we measure their growth in Christ.
Often times, no one ever knows what kind of impact that sharing their faith with someone else can have.
But I got to!
And I am so very thankful.

My sweet friends will graduate this year & I am going to be totally lost without them.
They are the best thing that has ever happened to me & I love them all with my whole heart.
Which is NOTHING compared to how much Christ loves them.