Serenity, Peace, & Power

We have to acknowledge that our hunger for God comes from him & will not be completely satisfied on earth.  The deepest pleasures of life don't satisfy us, they point us forward. -Larry Crab

Strained by the very mad race of our outer burdens, we are further strained by an inward uneasiness because we have hints that there is a way of life vastly deeper than all this hurried existence. A life of unhurried serenity & peace & power. -Thomas Kelly


This is not my home.
The darkness that dwells here was not put here by my Lord.
He can redeem any situation.
He is present in difficulty.
He loves.

I am reminding myself of these things in the face of senseless tragedy.
For what happened in Colorado makes me afraid.
It drives home the fear that I carry around.
Not a specific fear, but fear in general.
So I am trying to remember these things.
It's what is real & true.

There is a Mighty God.
There is a home for me with him where fear has no place, where sorrow cannot find us, where we will find rest from the burdens of this world.
There is hope for us all!

A Deaf Ear

So I am re-reading Hebrews. Again.
It's just one of those books that says something different to me every time I read it.
The words really penetrate my heart & soul.
Today, I am overwhelmed by chapters 4-6.

This morning, I opened up a journal of mine from a year ago & started reading.
It devastated me.
The prayers written in the first few pages sounded exactly like prayers that I wrote a week ago.
Time has past, circumstances have changed, but I remain the same.
What a let down.
A let down to God & to myself.
How is it that I am STILL struggling with the same sins?
How am I not wiser or better at choosing what is right?
I am so upset with myself.

I have made empty promises. I have tried to do what is right by others. I have given into the need for pleasing others.
I have claimed one lifestyle, but lived another.
And where has it gotten me?
Oh just the same place I was a year ago.
Awesome.

So I opened up the Word to look for some help.
This is what Hebrews told me:

Don't drag your feet! Be like those who stay the course with committed faith & then get everything promised to them. 6:12

We who have run our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands & never let go.  It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God. 6:18&19

But I have been dragging my feet. I have yet to truly grasp hope with both hands or put all my faith in His plan. I have taken things into my own hands.

Lonely? I turn to boys to fill the void.

Seeking fulfillment? I do whatever it takes to please others & earn their affection.

Bored? I panic & frantically search for something, ANYTHING, to pass the time. 

Pressured? I give in so that I am not left out.

And, since I am exactly where I was this time last year, it is obviously getting me nowhere.

But He understands.
He has been here.
He has been tested & tried & tempted.
Hebrews reminds me that "We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness & testing, experienced it all, all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him & get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help." 4:15&16  It also says, "Though he was God's son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do." 5:8
So  I can be comforted.
I can be sure that he relates to me & because he relates to me, he is compassionate & merciful.
He is not waiting on me to mess up so that I can be punished for my mistakes.

The Lord is asking me to change.
To REALLY change.
To be able to look at my life in a year & be so different than the screw-up I am right now.
He begs, "Today, please listen, don't turn a deaf ear" (4:7)
And I am ready to listen.
I am ready to give up what I now see I have been clinging to instead of him.

My mom told me a few weeks ago that sometimes we fill our lives up with stuff, whether good or bad or neutral & that stuff gets in the way of our relationship with him.
Well, all the stuff I have accumulated is beyond smothering me. So it has to go.
I am tired of dragging it around.
I am ready to make good on the promise in 4:2 "If we believe though, we'll experience that state of resting".

I am ready to listen.
Ready to trust, to grasp hope with both hands, & to rest in your promise, O Lord.
I am no longer a girl with deaf ears. 

"We have two alternatives: We can base our self-worth on our success & ability to please others or we can base our self-worth on the love, forgiveness, & acceptance of Christ." -Search for Significance

The Valley-Ellie Holcomb

I don’t want to face this valley
I don’t want to walk alone
You say that you’ll leave to find me
Well I am begging you now to come

Don’t think I can face the morning
The heaviness is on my chest
You say that you’ll lift this burden
Well I am begging you to bring me rest

So come and find me
In the darkest night of my soul
In the shadow of the valley
I am dying for you to make me whole
For you to make me whole

I can’t keep myself from sinkin’
From drowning down in all this shame
My throat is worn out from calling for help
And I am praying you’ll remember my name

I know I can’t fight this battle
Been surrounded on every side
You say that you will deliver me
Well I am praying that you’ll restore my life

Answer me out of the goodness of your love
In your mercy turn to me
I know it’s you that I’ve been running from
But I’m seeing it’s you I need, need
You’re all I need

The Outsiders

{Hebrews 13:10-15}

So I am going to talk about Young Life again (it's my passion ok?!)

I have been reading straight through the New Testament.
One morning a few weeks ago I just picked up my Bible (The Message version) opened it to Thessalonians, & started reading!
It's been really great. I have been making a list everyday of 5 reasons I love Jesus. Sometimes it's more than 5.
I just find 5 things in the scriptures I read that remind me of how awesome my Lord is.
It's an idea I got from Tom Job, whom I love! Check him out here

Anyway, I have made it to Hebrews this week.
I love Hebrews. Especially chapter 11.  I usually dwell in chapter 11, but I moved on to chapter 13 & WOWSERS....some of this stuff hit me like a ton of bricks!
Verses 10-15 is talking about being outsiders. Not being part of the religious restrictions that followers were facing as a new church in those days, but instead embracing Christ's resurrection, preparing for his return, & living differently than everyone else.
Here is what it meant to me:

As Young Life leaders, we are NOT insiders.

What we do is so very foreign to most everyone else.

It just doesn't make much sense.

"You 'hangout' with high school kids? What do you mean?" or "What do you do all day?"

I get asked those questions a lot.

The most annoying one is, "Why do you do Young Life? Those kids just party all the time. They don't go to church!" (a question that pretty much answers itself).

But as Young Life leaders, we are definitely on the outside.

We are not affiliated with any church, we don't have a beautiful establishment, & we don't hang out with the clean-cut kids.

We hang out with the outsiders!

It confuses most people.

We are outside, in the muck & grime of life, we are usually outside of our comfort zone, we are outside the norm of youth ministry, we stand outside the school waiting to talk to kids for even a second, we hangout outside at sporting events, & most people believe we are out of our minds! 

To them I say, "Yes! And i wouldn't want it any other way!"

Hebrews says "So let's go outside, where Jesus is, where the action is -- not trying to be privileged insiders, but taking our share in the abuse of Jesus. This 'insider world' is not our home. Lets take our place outside, with Jesus."

Jesus is on the outside! All the action is on the outside! There is nothing worth having as a privileged insider & the inside world is not our true home.

I guess you can decide for yourself what it looks like in your life to be on the outside.

I think for me it mostly means sticking with Young Life & not worrying about being popular, or giving in to the temptations that make me just like everyone else.

It's something I definitely struggle with.

But Hebrews makes being an outside look so inviting! (so does the picture below)

If Jesus is on the outside, that's where I want to be too.

This band NEEDTOBREATH has a song that talks about embracing the lifestyle of an outsider. It's a great song. Listen to it!

Also, because I read books & watch movies a lot....I couldn't help but think of one of my favorite stories, The Outsiders.  Too bad I don't look as cool as they do! 

Jilly

Everyone has a gross part of them, I guess we just kind of have to accept that and let Christ redeem it. Say "Hello part of me that is me, I anknowlegde your presence, meet my friend Jesus." -Jill Holt

I talk about Young Life on here fairly often. Ok maybe more than fairly.
I have mentioned the ups & downs, some of the great things that have come of it, and def the tough things.
But I have never mentioned Jill.
Young Life gave me Jill.


She is 2 years younger than me & I couldn't tell you the first time we met.
It had to have been at QUEST (new leader) gathering her freshman year, but I don't remember it.
Jill does though. She said I looked scary.
She ended up being placed on my team where, thankfully, I eventually became less scary to her.


Jill is anything but ordinary.
In her room she has the following: a sign that says "what happened at deer camp, never happened."Moose posters. Peyton Manning's Wheatie's box cover proudly on display. A porcelain goose that has outfits for holidays. A jack-a-lope. A hula-hoop. And various other rarities. 
Sometimes, Jill puts on her helmet while she's in the house because it feels nice. Sometimes she puts it on, along with knee pads, elbow pads, shin pads, & gloves, & pogo's down our street. 
Jill eats soggy cereal every morning. Usually standing up.
She won't eat anything after brushing her teeth.
She has a weakness for Bold Party Chex Mix & boys that are slightly nerdy.
Jill is my best friend.


Those qualities I listed above definitely contribute to making Jill who she is & I love all of those things about her.
But it isn't those characteristics, no matter how unique, that set her apart from most people.
It's the way that she cares.
The way that she goes through life with no chip on her shoulder, no bad thoughts about anyone, always assuming the best of people, & forgiveness unending.
Christ asks us to believe with a child like faith, & I think Jill is the only person I know that lives her life that way.


I don't deserve a friend like this. I drag her into my mess.  Into the black hole that is my mind.  I keep her up late at night with the thoughts whirling around in that abyss I call my brain, but she listens & she talks things through with me. 
She tells me I'm ok, no matter how psycho I am acting & is patient with me when I am moody.


Jill doesn't say nearly as much as I do (I talk a lot. I blame my dad).
But that just means that when she mentions something, it is of the utmost importance.
She's at YL camp in Colorado right now, but her job is in the office so we are able to email back & forth every day.
I wouldn't make it 4 weeks without talking to her!
The quote at the opening of this entry was in a recent email I received from her.
Short & to the point!
But isn't it so true?
So with it I say this:


Hi psycho/insecure/popularity seeking/ugly thought having/rebellious part of me! Meet Jesus!
And Jesus, thank you for Jilly!

Jill is far left. My dear, sweet friend Katie is center, & yours truly is on the right. These are our favorite t-shirts. =)

In v. Out

I miss the outdoors when I'm inside.
I miss the sticky air, the way it sits heavy on me & the strength of its stillness.
I miss the noises.  How the quiet can be so loud. Symphony of crickets & birds & cars a few streets over & children giggly somewhere down the street.
I miss the breeze however gentle.
I miss the colors.  The gold of the Sunflowers, the deep pink of the Rambling Roses 'round the mailbox, the peach colored Day Lilies & the periwinkle Bachelor Button's that line the sidewalk & especially the thousand shades of green that come to life in the trees.
I miss the heat. Oh how I miss the heat. How I do miss the sun & the way my blood feels, boiling under my skin.

I hate the fabricated air pumping through the office.
I hate the sounds of keyboards & drawers slamming.
I hate the fan that blows on me on each rotation.
I hate the bowl of candy full of peppermints & butterscotch.
I hate the harsh lighting.
I hate the awkward small talk I have to make with customers.

But thats life I suppose.
Would I love the outdoors so much if I never had to be inside?

answered prayer

i am home alone.
it is night time.
and i am happy.

no fear no anxiety no loneliness.
no panic attacks.

what a change that is from 6 months ago.
praise the Lord.