It's just one of those books that says something different to me every time I read it.
The words really penetrate my heart & soul.
Today, I am overwhelmed by chapters 4-6.
This morning, I opened up a journal of mine from a year ago & started reading.
It devastated me.
The prayers written in the first few pages sounded exactly like prayers that I wrote a week ago.
Time has past, circumstances have changed, but I remain the same.
What a let down.
A let down to God & to myself.
How is it that I am STILL struggling with the same sins?
How am I not wiser or better at choosing what is right?
I am so upset with myself.
I have made empty promises. I have tried to do what is right by others. I have given into the need for pleasing others.
I have claimed one lifestyle, but lived another.
And where has it gotten me?
Oh just the same place I was a year ago.
Awesome.
So I opened up the Word to look for some help.
This is what Hebrews told me:
Don't drag your feet! Be like those who stay the course with committed faith & then get everything promised to them. 6:12
We who have run our very lives to God have every reason to grab the promised hope with both hands & never let go. It's an unbreakable spiritual lifeline, reaching past all appearances right to the very presence of God. 6:18&19
But I have been dragging my feet. I have yet to truly grasp hope with both hands or put all my faith in His plan. I have taken things into my own hands.
Lonely? I turn to boys to fill the void.
Seeking fulfillment? I do whatever it takes to please others & earn their affection.
Bored? I panic & frantically search for something, ANYTHING, to pass the time.
Pressured? I give in so that I am not left out.
And, since I am exactly where I was this time last year, it is obviously getting me nowhere.
But He understands.
He has been here.
He has been tested & tried & tempted.
Hebrews reminds me that "We don't have a priest who is out of touch with our reality. He's been through weakness & testing, experienced it all, all but the sin. So let's walk right up to him & get what he is so ready to give. Take the mercy, accept the help." 4:15&16 It also says, "Though he was God's son, he learned trusting-obedience by what he suffered, just as we do." 5:8
So I can be comforted.
I can be sure that he relates to me & because he relates to me, he is compassionate & merciful.
He is not waiting on me to mess up so that I can be punished for my mistakes.
The Lord is asking me to change.
To REALLY change.
To be able to look at my life in a year & be so different than the screw-up I am right now.
He begs, "Today, please listen, don't turn a deaf ear" (4:7)
And I am ready to listen.
I am ready to give up what I now see I have been clinging to instead of him.
My mom told me a few weeks ago that sometimes we fill our lives up with stuff, whether good or bad or neutral & that stuff gets in the way of our relationship with him.
Well, all the stuff I have accumulated is beyond smothering me. So it has to go.
I am tired of dragging it around.
I am ready to make good on the promise in 4:2 "If we believe though, we'll experience that state of resting".
I am ready to listen.
Ready to trust, to grasp hope with both hands, & to rest in your promise, O Lord.
I am no longer a girl with deaf ears.
"We have two alternatives: We can base our self-worth on our success & ability to please others or we can base our self-worth on the love, forgiveness, & acceptance of Christ." -Search for Significance
No comments:
Post a Comment