answered prayer

i am home alone.
it is night time.
and i am happy.

no fear no anxiety no loneliness.
no panic attacks.

what a change that is from 6 months ago.
praise the Lord.

lately

I have so much to say.
Usually when thoughts fill my head like this it's because I need sleep. And I do, need sleep, but this time I feel as if it's something much bigger lingering inside my mind.
This time, these revolving thoughts will not be absorbed by my pillow.
This time, they must see follow-through.

I have been following the ebb's & flow's of life with little resistance. I don't want to push the envelope, I don't want to get out of my comfort zone, I don't want to find myself in any kind of confrontation or faced with any serious problems.
There are good days & there are bad days.  There is warm laughter & there are cold tears.
Kind of all of a sudden something has changed though.
I can feel it inside of me.

There is an unnerving desire for change, for adventure, for the un-ordinary.
I have become impatient for the next step. I feel as if someone has flipped my on switch. Or that someone higher up has called down to say "be watching, be waiting, be listening, because the plan is coming, it will be told to you sooner than later".
With this situation comes the most bizarre feeling. Something that seems to be anxiety paired with peace.
How can that be you ask?
I have no answers for you.
All I know is that something is getting ready to happen.  That something may just be the rest of my life, but it's coming in hard & fast.

For so long now I have been praying for a disconnect from this world.  And now it is so close I can smell, it. I can taste it.  Soon enough it will be time to grasp it. I am not talking about a literal disconnect, not death.  But a spiritual one.
How I long to care only about Christ & His world.  The one He meant us to dwell in.
How spectacular it must feel to trade in the cares & longings of this world for the peace & understanding of His.

I find myself more content in my hammock on the front porch with only a cup of coffee & the sun warming my shoulders than anywhere else.
I enjoy silently digging into my garden with only the songs of the birds to keep me company.
I want nothing more than to melt away under the hot sun while pouring over pages of beautifully written novels or simply gazing into the greenness that is my backyard.
This earth is fading into the background.
The traffic, the night life, the clubs, the fast pace of the people, all of it is blurring behind me.

Come, Holy Spirit, come. Renew a steadfast spirit in me.
I feel you Lord. And I know you will ask much of me.
What You have started through me, You will see through to the end.
I will wait as patiently as I can & I will trust you.

For beauty's sake...

I have a love for beautiful things.
Beautiful scenery, architecture, clothes, artwork, jewels, faces, etc.
I love colors & patterns & sparkle & uniqueness.
I love a good sunrise, the way the light hits my front porch, the way the dew glistens on the lily's in my yard, the singing birds that make their homes in the trees.
I think traveling rain clouds are beautiful. Their rolling, purple billows & the way the trees bend & twist towards them.
I also love beautiful writing. Writing that can take me to a specific time & place. Writing that helps me see better than my own eyes could.
I love the writing of Donald Miller.
I just finished reading Through Painted Deserts by Miller & thought I would share some of the beautiful passages that spoke to me....
Words that say things I feel, but can't seem to say for myself.
Words that accentuate the beauty of this life we've been given.

The cosmos was just spinning around up there, as if to create beauty for beauty's sake, paying no attention to the frivolity of mankind. And I liked the cosmos.  I liked the cosmos very much.  It seemed that it understood something, perhaps, humanity did not understand. 

I needed God to be larger than our free-market economy, larger than our two-for-one coupons, larger than our religious ideas.

And it feels tonight, as if there is much to think about, there is much we have been given & much we have left behind.  The smell of freedom is as brisk as the air through the windows.  And there is a feeling that time itself has been curtained by darkness.

Everything is like a symphony, if you think about it. Birds are perfect, & crickets come out of the wet woods like a choir.  And this is another accident, I think to myself, that we have ears to hear, & that nature itself worked perfectly to calm the soul, & wind from a tornado has that perfect pitch of fear, that train rumble of death, & music, music as if it is an accident, may be one of the greatest miracles of them all, as beautiful as romance or color or the power of water.  All this silence is thick & buzzing & it takes some effort to break it.

Time moved quickly today. It passed like a whisper.  The hills have completely buried the sun.

Life is more than clothes & cars & a new flavor of toothpaste, that it is community & creation & beauty & humanity.

There is a serenity in life, after all, & once a withdrawal is felt at having left the lies behind, a soul begins to feel at home in it's own skin.

Thanking God for the beauty & for rest & thanking Him for something better to believe than commercials.

God made a whole beautiful earth & decided to put you in it, to experience all of this beauty.  You can't do that watching television all the time.

Song

Too many emotions to even put a finger on,
I can't explain the way you make me feel,
Like I'm so lost & broken down, but not alone & not forgotten.
You have this way of pointing out every where that I've gone wrong,
While at the same time letting me know that those things don't really matter.
You take them away, the regrets & the shame, & replace them with peace.
Who are You that can make this old life new?
Who are You that  can make me change?
Who are You that can make these blind eyes see?
Who are You that You would choose me?
You have this way of speaking the truth, even when I can't stand to hear it.
I can't ignore Your tugging at my soul or the way You make my heart swell up.
It's an impossible feeling of fearful joy that overcomes me when You are near
I am so undeserving but that hasn't stopped You from believing I'm someone worth knowing.
Who are You that can make this old life new?
Who are You that can make me change?
Who are You that can make these blind eyes see?
Who are You that You would love me?
Author of my story,
Lover of my soul,
Wrap tightly round me,
Never let me go.
No one else would choose me,
Or give me love like this,
Stay forever with me,
Or a real life I will miss.
Who are You that can make this old life new?
Who are You that can make me change?
Who are You that can make these blind eyes see?
who are You that You would choose me?
Who are You that You would love me?

Every kid, Every Where, For Eternity

One other truth the parable reveals to us is that ministry is a lot like farming.  It is hard, slow work.  It does not feel very heroic and involves a lot of difficult and mundane tasks.  It involves knowing your land well—constantly walking the fields to check their condition and to stay attentive to what needs to be done (and when).  It is work that’s messy and will get your hands dirty.  There is no way to do it from a distance—you have to be in it up to your elbows.  It is not just a hobby, but an entire way of life (a calling).  It is a life filled with tilling the soil, and weeding, and digging.  It is a life filled with plowing up the hard ground and breaking up the rocky soil.  It is a life filled with doing whatever it takes to make the soil (soul) as receptive as possible to the seed of the Word. -Jim Branch, Reflections



If there was ever a crunch time in the farming industry Jim calls ministry, it would be now.
I leave tomorrow for YL camp in Georgia. Hopefully, it will be all that we leaders build it up to be, THE BEST WEEK OF YOUR LIFE!
A week kids get to have away from their friends, significant others, families, jobs, stress, drama, etc.
They will get to hear the gospel as they never have before in the midst of having more fun & freedom than they have ever experienced.
It will be neat to be on this side of it this summer.
I worked behind the scenes last year, Tawashie Boss, second session.  Meaning that I cleaned toilets, mopped cabin floors, & made beds day after day. 
I enviously looked on as leaders spent time laughing & crying with their kids.  Leading them towards the cross.

I enjoyed my work, but I kept wishing that my friends had signed up for camp.


Well a year later, and here I am.  
Camp kind of snuck up on me! 
I have been preoccupied right up until time to start packing.
But now it's real!
Only one of my high school friends signed up but thats better than none!
But am I ready?
Do I really know how to handle this week?
Am I prepared to put the work in?
Until this point, it has been the slow, steady toiling that softens the soil, that makes it "receptive as possible to the seed of the Word".
Have I done my best?
Have the long hours, the many miles driven, the many lunches had, the soccer games attended really set her up to hear what will be said at camp?


I am anxious & excited. It really will be the best week of her life. I know that. 
But it also has the capability of being the week that changes everything.
I don't have it all together. I don't have all the answers. I don't live a perfect life.
But I have a Savior that loves me, that guides me, that set me free & I so desperately want her to be able to feel those things too. To have hope, joy, & peace.


So if you stumble across this blog, say a little prayer for me, for Savannah, & for all the high school kids that will be at YL camps across the world this summer.
Every kid, Every Where, For Eternity.

Someone

Someone loves you the way you wish anyone would.
Someone wants you the way we all want to be desired.
Someone thinks you are the most beautiful, most perfect, most invigorating creature to ever exist.
Someone knows you  better than you know yourself.
Someone thinks of you every minute of every day.
Someone that calls  you names like my beloved, my cherished one, my daughter, my girl....

It just so happens that this someone is the creator of the universe.
The one that sets the stars in their places, that made the ocean waves, & sent the breeze blowing through our hair.
He, the great I am, is the someone that treasures you above all others.

5-1-12


I wrote this for a high school friend, then realized I needed to hear it more than she did...

Remember Scarlett, and keep her holy

I'm tired of everlastingly being unnatrual & never doing anything I want to do. I'm tired of acting like I don't eat more than a bird & walking when I want to run & saying I feel faint after a waltz when I could dance for two days & never get tired.  I'm tired of saying "How wonderful you are" to fool men who haven't got one-half sense I've got & I'm tired of pretending I don't know anything so men can tell me things & feel important while they're doing it.  Why is it a girl has to act so silly to get a husband? Someday I'm going to do & say everything I want to do & say & if people don't like, I don't care.

-Scarlett, Gone With the Wind