Verse for a YL leader

Even though I am free of the demands and expectations of everyone, I have voluntarily become a servant to any and all in order to reach a wide range of people: religious, nonreligious, meticulous moralists, loose-living immoralists, the defeated, the demoralized—whoever. I didn’t take on their way of life. I kept my bearings in Christ—but I entered their world and tried to experience things from their point of view. I’ve become just about every sort of servant there is in my attempts to lead those I meet into a God-saved life. I did all this because of the Message. I didn’t just want to talk about it; I wanted to be in on it! 1 Corinthians 9:19-23

Running a Marathon

When we were sophomores in college, my friend Holly & I decided we were going to become runners.

So we started going running a couple afternoons a week. 

Luckily, our legs are about the same length & we had both been high school athletes, so while we were currently not in the best of shape, we could easily keep pace with one another.

A couple minutes of running the straights & walking the hills turned into being able to run the mile loop around the intramural fields.

We played it safe at a mile for a while then took on the seemingly endless hill we had been avoiding.

After we conquered the hill we set out for 2 miles.

I will never forget the day we ran 2 miles.

Staring at our watches for the last half mile, watching the pavement slowly but surely disappear beneath our heavy feet, & panting so loud we could hear ourselves over our iPods.

We hadn't been smart enough to plan the route ahead of time so we ended up running the last fourth up a lengthy hill.

But we made it! 

I think we felt extra good about ourselves because a third friend had gone with us that particular day & had dropped out halfway through.

Sophomore year was a long time ago. 

Holly & I don't live in the same city anymore.

But I do still run. 

2 miles isn't scary anymore. 

I'm a 3 to 5 mile person now, but it always depends on the weather & the time of day & how my bad knee is feeling.

And I don't do sprints.

I've never been someone that does things fast.

Even as a high school swimmer, I was distance.

After all, they say it's all about the journey right?

The title of this post is probably a little misleading.

I am NOT running a marathon.

Not literally anyway.

I have been thinking about  the analogy of life being a marathon a lot lately though.

It can't be lived as a sprint. It just can't.

Sometimes it is incredibly tempting, but to sprint through life would be to miss out on life.

Even during the bad times when we want to lower our head, put a shoulder to the wind, & get through without feeling much, it's better to keep the pace.

There is a little tiny hill in part of my route that is more of a challenge than some of the big ones.

I think it's because it is sharp & on a turn & in the middle of the route, so no promise of "the end" once I reach the top.

I often tell myself that if I can make it up that hill, then I can make it through every other part. 

I take deeper breaths & I really concentrate on my feet hitting the asphalt. 

I feel my muscles in my legs tighten & my heartbeat speed up.

Then it's over & my body relaxes just a little.

That's how I see life. 

It I sprinted through even the toughest emotions, then I am not really engaged in life.

And I want to be fully engaged. 

I want to soak up every drop of life that I can. 

I want to run this marathon to the best of my ability. 

It's funny because what that means for me, a 24 year old with a degree from a private University, is spending the majority of my time with high school people. ( I don't call them kids cause they would find that offensive!)

It's true!

I find that I am most engaged in life when I am living a life that expresses the love of Jesus to others. 

And my God is a God of laughter & joy.

He is a God that wants me to enjoy the good things he put on this earth & to relish in the happy times.

So here I am, living a life that most of the rest of the world will never understand, so that one day I can say, as the apostle Paul did, "I have fought the good fight, I have finished the race...I was fully engaged in the marathon of life!"

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Here's some recent shots from my "race"

Dear Bible Belters:

"Faith isn't about knowing all the right stuff or obeying a list of rules.  It's something more, something more costly because it involves being present and making a sacrifice. Perhaps that's why Jesus is sometimes called Immanuel, 'God with us'. I think that's what God had in mind for us when it comes to other people". -Bob Goff, Love Does

Being a Christian is not about following a list of rules, but by being overcome with love. -Anon

When the Pharisees saw this, they asked his disciples, "Why does your teacher eat with tax collectors and sinners?"

On hearing this, Jesus said, "It is not the healthy that need a doctor, but the sick.  But go and learn what this means: I desire mercy not sacrifice. For I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.

Matthew 9:11-13

We don't live to put hands and feet on love. When love is a theory it's safe, it's free of risk. But love in the brain changes nothing...love is too beautiful a concept to keep locked up behind a forehead like a prisoner. -Donald Miller

September 7 2013

There are times in life when you can no longer just talk the talk.
When things get hard, we have to decide, do I truly believe what I say I do?

Savanna has been a friend of mine for going on 5 years now.
Watching her & her friends grow up has been one of the most precious gifts of my life.
I don't think I will ever love anyone the way I love my YL girls.
I know that for sure now, now while we are sitting by her side in the hospital.
Painting her nails, braiding her hair, buying her Fazoli's because she loves alfredo & the hospital food is gross.
Savanna can't move her legs. She can't even feel them.
I was in the room when the doctor showed us the MRI shots of her spine, or where her spine should be.
After looking at those pictures, there is no more hope that it was the swelling causing temporary injuries.

Thursday night, Savanna & the 3 boys she was with dropped 150 feet off the side of a mountain on their way home from Max Patch in North Carolina.
She says she felt her back break & the lower half of her body go numb.
Some of her ribs fractured & one lung collapsed.
She says she was certain she was going to die.
By the grace of God she didn't.

I don't know if it's all the pain meds, or if she is still in shock or if she is just in denial, but the hardest part right now is that she doesn't understand whats happened to her.
She is acting like it's a broken leg.
Like the brace she is wearing is completely temporary.
And 'going to rehab' means learning to walk again instead of learning to live life in a wheelchair.
I have to stand by her bed, make her laugh, & hold the hands of her other friends & leave her in this place of uncertainty while our lives go on as usual.

This is the hardest thing that has ever happened to us.

I do really believe what I say I do.
Now more than ever.

People are constantly saying "God will never give you more than you can handle".
But guess what?
That contradicts scripture.
Repeatedly.
God absolutely gives us more than we can handle so that we search him out & depend on Him as we should to get us through these things.
I don't know the right things to say to Savanna or her friends.
I don't know how to help myself sleep through the night.
I don't know how to find the money to pay all the medical bills.
I don't know how to fix this...

But I know the One who does.

All You Need is [Christ's] Love

I have a part time job as a nanny.
Two days a week I put a name card on my dash, sit in two different car lines, & shuttle the kiddos between practices & tutoring.
Today, Grayson's friend Andy is over to do homework.
Only, the homework is sitting on the counter & the boys are huddled around the pencil sharpener seeing how small they can get a pencil & still use it.
I'm in the kitchen making coffee & this is the conversation we are having:

"My grandma lived to be 92!" -Grayson
"That's pretty old," I chimed in "but my great-grandmother lived to be 105!"
"Wow!" exclaims Grayson, "She was like the oldest lady in the whole world!" I think I've trumped the boys, but Andy is sitting on the stool smirking.
"My great aunt was 110!" he states triumphantly.
I congratulate Andy & tell him he definitely wins the lifespan conversation.

But then the conversation turns.
I know where this is headed & am nervous for what's going to happen next.

"Yeh I win!" says Andy, "But I lose too cause my Dad died when he was only 33."
I'm not sure what to say, aware of his situation but unable to find the words to tell him how sorry I am. I finally muster up a, "Yeh, that's too young. 110 is much better."
"My dad is 47 and he's still alive!" says Grayson & I hold my breath. Kids say exactly what they're thinking & sometimes it's not too sensitive.
"Yeh well your dad wasn't murdered." Andy isn't emotional about this. He's still examining his newly sharpened, teeny pencil while talking to us. He finishes up his thought with, "I hate murderers. I wish I could shoot them all."

Something distracts the boys & before I can tear up or give Andy a hug, I'm telling them to stop putting batteries in their mouths.

Andy's family suffered a tragic loss this summer.
While working at their family pharmacy, his dad was murdered by a pill seeking addict in need of his next fix.
Gunned down in the middle of the day.
I knew this about the family across the street but neither Andy or his brother had talked about it while over at the house yet.
I knew it would come up eventually, but nothing could have prepared me to hear an 8 year old utter the words, "Well your dad wasn't murdered."

Even writing this now my eyes are stinging with tears.
Precious little kids that can't really comprehend what's happened to them or what a massive impact their Father's death will have in shaping the rest of their lives.
It makes my own heart hurt for them.
It makes me ask God why.
It makes me grateful that I still have my dad. A rocky relationship is better than no relationship.
It makes me pray, hard, that Andy will find & treasure a relationship with his heavenly Father.

The Beatle's were so close!
They almost hit the nail on the head, but they left out one important aspect in their famous chorus "All You Need is Love".
Because Love itself does nothing if it isn't of Christ.
All we need is Christ's love.
That is the only love that heals the kind of gaping, raw wounds that are left behind when a kid's dad dies in the middle of life.

Christ, come & rescue us.

How to be a better human

I've moved.
Just about a mile away from my old place, but I feel like I'm in a different world!
My little apartment is one of two that just sit right on top of one another in an old house.
It is quaint & charming, just like me;)
I have a little side porch, exposed rafters in the living room, & beautiful glass doorknobs on all the doors!
Yes, it's old, but I prefer most things to be that way.
The best part is that I turned one of the two bedrooms into my art studio!
My big yellow chair sits by a window, all my supplies are organized & can be accessed easily as opposed to being stored under by bed, one corner possess my easel & my paints, the other, my Grandfather's old drafting board! (ps: Poppa has been a cartoonist for 50+ years, He's kind of a big deal)

I guess the best part isn't actually my studio.
It's the fact, that after almost 2 years of panic attacks & fear of being alone, I live by myself & I LOVE IT!
No doing anyone else's dishes, no worrying about playing my music too loud, & mo one around to use up all the hand soap then not buy a new one! (My previous roommates were actually really great people & those are the only little things I could think to complain about)
Anyways, I feel so lucky to have found this vintage place.
I am busy adding new things, painting new canvases for the walls, & rearranging furniture.

I have decided to go without TV & internet at my new home.
It's something I have though about a lot & this was the perfect chance to say farewell to Charter & be free!
I wasn't very connected anyway.
I don't have a smart phone or an iPad or Kindle & the most TV I watched was through Hulu online.
I just couldn't justify paying $60 a month to check Facebook/Twitter, which is almost always depressing.
Instead, I have come up with a list of things to do with all this spare time that I have (because I did check Facebook/Twitter fairly often).
So far, SO GOOD.
I can already see the positive effects that my new list & my scarce internet use is having on my life as a whole.
So here it is:

HOW TO BE A BETTER HUMAN

1. No interent. 

2. No TV

3. Write more letters

4. Paint more

5. Learn to play the guitar (My friend Marilee gave me one for free!)

6. Listen to new music

7. Try new recipes

8. Be outside (I found a book about hikes in the Smokies that I plan on putting to good use!)

9.Read more books

10. Give things away

11. Forgive & Forget (that takes some conscious thought y'all)

12. Be intentional about encouraging others

13. Get out of my comfort zone (How is the question...) 

14. Give things away

15. Avoid TJMaxx at all costs (Nothing personal TJ, you've always been good to me)

16. Run hard after Jesus

PS: I visit the Young Life office once a day to use the internet. It's within walking distance!

Social Media

I am not my Twitter account.
I cannot be defined by 140 characters.
My thoughts, though simple, are more vast than a condensed 2 or 3 lines.
My true opinions & beliefs cannot fit into the square inch box that begs me to express my every thought.
I am not my misspellings or grammar mishaps.
I am not the scattered train of thought that my timeline displays.
I am not the occasional inappropriate joke that I share.
So please do not judge me based on what you read.

I am not my Facebook page.
Believe it or not, I do sometimes take not so attractive pictures, but they have been long buried where you will never find them.
I watch movies that other people would deem silly or dull, but they will not be displayed for everyone's criticism on my "About" page.
The same can be said for my taste in music. You won't catch my Spotify account spilling out my guilty pleasures such as Disney songs or Selena Gomez.
And try as I might to live out the inspirational quotes I have posted, I tend to fall short of my high aspirations.

I am not my Pinterest account.
How I dream of being as daringly stylish as the models portrayed in my Cyber Closet board.
But God has not blessed me with money to throw it away on what doesn't really matter.
I do not live in a house with detailed tiling, perfect lighting, & heated tiles in the bathroom.
But I am oh so thankful for air conditioning, a refrigerator, & a studio to paint in.
No matter how many recipes I pin, I am no chef.
At that matter, I am no fitness genius either, but I have done a good job of collecting routines that never get done.

I am not my Blog.
It is my tendency to display here some of my deepest emotions which may have you believing I hail from "Crazy town".
Or even worse, that I am some pious, close minded, religious freak who esteems herself far beyond reality.
When truly I am a simple girl trying to figure out life just like anyone else.

So come to any conclusion that you wish to draw, but remember that even after combining all these different social medias, that as a human being, I am so much more than the internet allows me to be.
And in a world where almost nothing is private, I choose to keep many things to myself.
There is something great to be said about mystery in such an outspoken society.

So while I am truthful in all things displayed on social media & am who you believe me to be,
I am also so much more.