10:53pm

Do you ever think about who you almost were?

About what you may have let yourself become?

Of how you sometimes acted as you were expected to, not how you really wanted to be?

Or of the time you almost gave in to being just like everyone else?

Do you?

And do you then, with a sigh of great relief, thank the Lord that you did not shrink into that shell of a being?

Do you all of a sudden, all at once, see the light of who you are now?

Am I the only one that experiences bursts of contentment & satisfaction in the fact that what could have been is not?

Do you ever relish in the beautiful simplicity of life as it is now?

Or feel incredibly grateful to be on the outside, free from the obvious, or not so obvious, chains that bind others to a life they would rather let go?

I find myself in that place often these days.

I said it once in a different post & I'll say it again,

You never knew what it felt like to be as chained & bound up as I was,

so you will never know what it feels like to be this free!

Fearless

**do not skip over, this post is not about a Taylor Swift song**

So this is what freedom feels like.
I had no idea.
No clue that I could be
calm.
at peace.
confident.
healed.
Didn't know I had the ability to sleep through the night
I only knew what it felt like to be
trapped.
suffocated.
lonely.
in constant pain.
always thirsty.
always screaming.
I was all too familiar with ghosts from my past.
sleepless nights.
secrets.
shame.
fear.
I wavered on the line between sadness & depression for far too long.
Afraid of what I had done catching up to me.
Scared I would give in to the darkest parts of my being,
but at the same time too weak to turn them over to the light.
Stuck.
Between my flesh & my spirit.
But grace happened.
And mercy.
And forgiveness.
And, maybe most welcomed, a calling.
I was washed clean.
1,000 times over.
Wave after unexpected wave crashing down.
Erasing what had been & what was & what could have been.
The waves took my heart out to sea & buried it there.
Then they brought me a new one.
It was softer.
larger.
more tender.
And it beat harder.
It takes up more room in my soul while at the same time, never running out of space.
I like this heart.
So much more than the other.
In it I find no fear.
no panic.
no pain.
no worry.
no shame.
no guilt.
no anxiety.
Just love abounding.
My new heart came with a calling.
Very clear & obvious to me.
I am no longer weak for His spirit is strong in me.
I can go confidently now.
Life is not the enemy anymore.
For the old is gone & the new is come.
I have become free.
and fearless.

Risking Vulnerability

Most of the charismatic men I'd dated were actually jerks or bad boys, hardly relationship material.  They'd subtly reject me but keep me around for fun, playing games where I always ended up the loser. I suppose I'd always been attracted to commitment-phobes because some part of me felt unlovable.  It was a lot easier to fall for a guy who I knew, on some level, wouldn't fall in love with me.  There was nothing to risk. The real risk would be to finally be vulnerable to love...

...said the narrator about herself in a magazine article I read today.
She put in words what I have known about myself for some time now, but couldn't quite string together in one conscious thought.
Jerk, after jerk, after perfectly witty & handsome JERK.
I didn't know what was happening.
I didn't realize I was sabotaging myself.
But she hit the nail on the head..."because some part of me felt unlovable".

I found myself siding with the men.
When they were gone it was like I couldn't blame them.
I understood why they chose someone else because I didn't even love myself.
And I had never expected that they would love me to start with.

Then there are the guys that took genuine interest in me.
We all remember them...
The ones I wouldn't give the time of day to, because "the real risk would be to finally be vulnerable to love".
I often wondered why I longed for the ones that ran all over me & ignored the ones that had nothing but the best of intentions.

It was slowly revealed to me & ever since I have been aware of it, I have been trying to be different, or at least I have kept myself at a safe distance from ALL dating relationships because I can't trust my own judgement.
I dream about a beautiful relationship while keeping anyone worthwhile at a far distance.

There is something broken deep inside of me that has made me this way.
I could pinpoint a few life experiences that I think may have contributed to this damaged part of my heart, but I don't want them to have the power anymore.
I don't want to be this person anymore!

Christ is so good at un-clenching my fists that are wrapped tightly around what has been comfortable in my life.
So much so, that when He frees me in one area, He simply moves right along to the next, rarely giving me time to breath between the painful, but necessary, prying open of my hands.
It is my prayer that He see's me through this un-clenching.
That whatever lie of Satan's that I have bought into that tells me I am unlovable, will be wrenched from my tightly bound hands & disposed of forever!
That I will be free from the lifestyle that leaves behind a trail of broken hearts.
That there will be a man who is worth the risk.

I am willing to be patient in this transition, in fact, I hope that is drawn out.
I want to be healthy & whole & even more in love with Christ before I am vulnerable enough to fall in love with someone else.
But I do want it.
I am not blind to my fault anymore.
I am no longer ignorant of my fear.
So, with the help of my Savior, I will face it head on & hopefully become the woman He intends me to be.
Whether she is single, or not.

Until Christ is formed in you [and me too]...

Sunday nights have very quickly become my favorite night of the week.
We started having campaigners when we got back from Frontier & even though we have actually only had two, I feel like we've been doing this forever.
There is NOTHING more beautiful to me than sitting in a room  together, opening up the Word, highlighting verses that jump out, asking questions about the ones that confuse, & digging for more info on the Jesus guy that loves us, mess included.

*sigh*

We fill up my little living room, some on couches, some on the floor, some have pulled up kitchen chairs in empty spaces.
We laugh together.
We learn together.
We share the tough things.
Last week, I recreated family dinner like we have at camp because my friends had told me they never eat like that with their families. (cue tears)
This week we made s'mores over the fire pit in my front yard.

We talked about grasping tonight.
In Romans, we read about the tension between our sinful flesh & our new Christ centered mindset.
About how the two create this intense chaos in our lives.
Our continual desire to be like Him paired with our instinctive selfish actions is painful!
And sometimes, at least for me, makes me feel crazy!
Then we read in Philippians, that if we have experienced His mercy & affection, then we must feel beholden to work towards being more like our Savior.
That we are to retract our hands from ignorantly grasping at the empty earthly things that only temporarily fill a void, in order to latch on to a God that will permanently sustain us.

Easier said than done.

I find myself still grasping at the wrong things.
As soon as I rest in the Lord in one area, I begin desperately grasping in another.
The tension.
Sin vs. Savior.
Thank goodness we know who wins in the end.

I'm learning more through teaching, than ever before.

And we will continue, "...until Christ is formed in you." Galatians 4:19

Cast aside everything that might extinguish this small flame which is beginning to burn within you, and surround yourself with everything which can feed and fan it into a strong flame.

She said yes!! And so did she!! And she did too!!

This is rare folks!
2 entries in 2 days!
Hold onto your socks!

So one of my favorite people in the world got engaged last month.
Holly has been dating Adam for...well like an eternity now!
He surprised her with a day trip to the beach where he got down on one knee & put a ring on it!
We all knew they would be the next to make this commitment, but they had done a great job keeping all their plans a secret from us, their friends.
I didn't answer the phone when she called so I had to wait until the next morning to hear the beautiful news & cried when she told me.
It's for real now!
Two days ago, I opened a letter from Holly in which she asked me to be her bridesmaid.
I texted her right away, through more tears, telling her that I'm glad she officially asked me because I was planning on standing upfront with her either way!

Strangely enough, later the same day that I got Holly's letter in the mail, our other dear friend Courtney got engaged!
Courtney & Stewart haven't even been dating a year yet, but we all knew as soon as it began, that it was going to be a forever kind of thing.
Stewart drove them out to Courtney's family's farm where he proceeded to take pictures then asked if he could set the timer so they could have a few together.
They took some just smiling, then he kissed her in one, then he got down on his knee with a ring in the last one.
No surprise ending here, she said yes!
When she called to tell me, I couldn't do anything but ask if she was joking!
Stewart had been really good at throwing us all off the trail.
He's in Med school, so we thought it would be awhile, but no!
The man couldn't wait any longer!

Katy & I were texting that night, about our friends engagements & about my recent YL camp trip.
She is at the beach with her family so it was a shorter conversation.
As we ended it, I jokingly told her to let me know if she too got engaged while she was at the beach...
It was around 11:30 when I ignored her first phone call then answered the second with that knowing, but shocked, realization that she was calling to tell me that Jordan had given her a ring too!
It felt surreal to hear her tell of her beach proposal, hidden cameras included!
I love that her whole family was there to celebrate afterwards. I think thats beautiful.
When Jordan asked her she said, "YES! But did you ask my dad?"
How very Katy!

I cannot believe that 3 of my sweetest, most loved friends have made such exciting life commitments so close to one another!
I love to see people's dreams come true.
I feel so lucky to have been a part of their lives & to have been close enough to them throughout the years to watch their love stories unfold.
It's going to be a crazy, but great wedding season!

You Make Me New

You cannot be multiplied enough to be shared. You can only be broken enough to be shared. 

-Robert Benson

And now I know that Mr. Benson was right.

I just got back from taking 9 of my high school friends to Frontier Ranch in Colorado.

We truly had the best week of our lives! (for me, every new camp experience is better than the last)

My sweet friends found Jesus on that holy ground tucked away into the Rocky Mountains. 

They heard of His massive love for them, how He willingly went to the cross, not as a victim but as their Savior, how He loves them before they ever even have to change, & that because He loves them, they can change.

It was a beautiful week.

I was especially impressed with them as we met up after club every night for cabin time.

They were open, vulnerable, & honest right from the start. 

Which I assume is impressive to me because I remember what I was like in cabin time during my high school YL trip.

I was that kid...

Oh I was listening, but you couldn't have paid me to open up & actually talk about my personal life in a room full of girls who I barely knew, didn't know, or just didn't trust.

Maybe it was also because the people in my life that I should have been able to lean on, were in fact the ones that had hurt me.

Things were a mess at home.

I hated my dad.

There was no relationship between us.

He had fallen short of what I expected & I was in the middle of carrying out my plan to hurt him just as badly as he had hurt me.

And I was good at it.

I was also not about to let people know I was as unhappy as I really was, lost as I really felt.

I was tough, I could handle it.

I was not a pitiful baby like my dad always said.

But then Rachel, my leader, asked me to talk 1 on 1.

I knew as soon as she did that my carefully constructed walls could protect me from a group, but not when one person's energy was completely focused on me.

We sat down at a picnic table on the porch behind the office.

I remember that boys were walking by the whole time because we were sitting next to a frisbee golf tee-off.

I remember her reaching across the table & touching my arm.

I remember that she asked me if I was ok.

I remember saying yes, but I couldn't look her in the eyes.

I remember her asking if i was really ok.

I remember laying my head down & crying.

Right there in the middle of all those guys playing frisbee, I let it out.

I knew she loved me & I knew she could tell me how my life could be different.

And I couldn't handle the pressure of keeping it to myself anymore.

My relationship with my dad got worse before it got better.

So did my relationship with myself.

7 years later, I found myself at a picnic table next to the snack shop with one of my friends, then in a rocking chair gazing off the cliff, also on the side of the pool near the slide, & with another under the seemingly endless starry night sky.

7 years later, when I posed the question "When was a time in your life that you have felt entirely alone, empty, or like your walls were crashing in on you?", I heard 9 different stories about girls & their fathers.

Stories of pain & guilt & shame & heart break & emptiness & brokenness.

And I got to be the one to tell them of a heavenly Father who would never leave them, never disappoint them, & never break their heart.

I got to share all of my brokenness concerning my dad & thankfully, I was able to end my story by telling them of the healing Christ brought to that relationship.

Hope. For them all.

I wasn't brave enough to share while I was a 17 year old, but I am so glad they were. 

And I am thankful that I have been broken enough to be shared with them now.

Praise be to my Lord!

To God Almighty!

Whose great plan for my life is revealed in His time.

Who is making everything new.

Who met 9 high school girls during the best week of their lives.

And who meets me every day.

Hallelujah!

"And so with the sunshine, I had the familiar conviction that life was beginning over again with the summer." F. Scott Fitzgerald

Summer is a beautiful thing.
Maybe, to me, the most beautiful thing in the world.
I know they say things about how summer wouldn't be as appreciated if we didn't go through winter, & maybe they are right, but winter can kiss my you-know-what.

Summer is everything.

Summer is fireflies
Summer is catching June bugs then tying a little floss around one of their scrawny legs.
Summer is a bead of sweat that travels from your neck, between your shoulder blades, down to the dip in your lower back, where it settles.
Summer is the sound of cicada's, who have long dreamt of serenading us.
Summer is stargazing on a blanket of cool, sweet smelling grass.
Summer is chalk drawings on ancient sidewalks that have been disrupted by the roots of the old Live Oaks.
Summer is crowns made from clover.
Summer is the smell of Magnolia's & Boxwoods.
Summer is the golden smear of the setting sun as it melts quietly  into the lake.
Summer is the color green. For the grass & the trees & the leaves on the Hydrangeas.
Summer is a lemonade stand, an ice cream truck, & a snow cone cart. De-licious.
Summer is a wet dog that snuck up behind you to shake off the lake water.
Summer is bedtime with the windows open.
Summer is an adrenaline pumping flip, long fall, & sharp splash into the cold water of the rock quarry.
Summer is heat lighting that illuminates the sky beyond the mountains.
Summer is never knowing exactly what day it is.
Summer is a ride in a truck bed with your best friends, everyone's hair whipping around & tangling together.
Summer is weightless, like floating peacefully in the pool.
Summer is spitting watermelon seeds farther than your brother.
Summer is that one song.
Summer is a little itchy, between the bug bites & the occasional bout of poison ivy.
Summer is that life force that hums deep inside of you continually whispering "outside...outside...outside".
Summer is hot enough to see. Heat moving across the asphalt like waves upon the shore.
Summer is a good book on a front porch during an afternoon rain.
Summer is a kiss that is salty & sweet & just long enough to turn you inside out.
Summer is laughter, always traveling on the breeze from somewhere close by.
Summer is bare feet, black from the day's adventures.
Summer is picnicking in your neighbors tree house. 
Summer is a low rumble of thunder that sends Little Leaguers back to the dug out.
Summer is fishin' in the dark & in the day & in the twilight.
Summer is forgetting to eat lunch because your kickball game went into extra innings.
Summer is suncreen & tan lines.
Summer is a PB& J underneath the shade of a Mimosa tree.
Summer is magic.
Summer is life giving.
Summer is everything.